


the longer i chase, the faster you run

by harrystylescurls



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Cold hearted Louis, College/University, Drama, Endless chasing, Explicit Language, Guilt, Hatred, Kissing, M/M, No Smut, Stubborn Harry, Wrong Decisions, larry stylinson - Freeform, too much angst, ziam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrystylescurls/pseuds/harrystylescurls
Summary: Harry Styles never knew his whole life could turn upside down in just one fateful night filled of wrong decisions, pain and regret. And right before he could finally get ahold of the love of his life— everything from he left behind slaps him awake and wide-eyed leaving him broken and guilty.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. Oh my gosh. This is the first time I would post a fan fic that is really the result of my wild imagination and love for the boys and also, writing. This couldn’t be possible without the help of my babycakes, Vanessa. I owe this to her for pushing me to finally make this story happen. She’s such an angel. I love One Direction so much and they have been a greatest part of my life since I was 12. I have met beautiful and kind people all over the world because of them. It was totally an eventful 9 years of loving and supporting the boys. Thanks to you, and have fun.

**I**

 

 **Harry**  always finds himself waking up on the cold numbing wooden floor just beside his queen sized bed.

"Fuck," He sharply inhales, as his hand smashes off the blaring alarm clock right on the floor, scattering along with the pile of dirty disarray clothes of his.

His room is messy. But he never really exert some effort to clean it all up and make his room tidy enough. To his defense, he keeps on telling everyone that his own life itself is in utter chaos and that cannot be fixed. His flatmates beg to differ as they knew Harry as a literal ball of sunshine with deep glowing emerald eyes and a perfect cheeky grin to match.

He tilts his head upwards as his eyes opens and closes several times. The sunlight blaring harshly peeking through the curtain on his window. It's one of the things he grew to dislike in his room. He complains most of the time that every morning he's being blinded by the harsh spiking sun. And he is not really a morning person. Not at all.

Harry groans and extends his long arm on the top of his bed to reach for a pillow. He successfully retrieves one and he quickly plopped his head onto it.

He could feel his skin sticking on the cold wooden floor but he couldn't care any less. All he knows is that he's never going to drink again that much, and when he goes out of his room and sees Niall, (his Irish flatmate) he will bark at him for giving Harry too much whiskey the night before.

But contrary to it, Harry did like the taste of the old aged whiskey that Niall had let them taste that he specifically brought with him from his hometown back in Ireland. Although Harry won't admit that he did actually liked it. He won't let Niall get that satisfaction on his annoying face. Never. 

A rough knock on the door interrupts Harry from falling asleep again as the person behind it keeps on knocking on it.

Harry scowls as he buries his head on the pillow he's clutching with his arms.

"Harry!"

It was definitely Niall.

Since he kind of hates Niall for making him so wasted last night, he chooses to be stubborn and not open his door.

"Harry! Wake up! Jeez." 

He can hear the annoyed tone of Niall's. Harry couldn't stop himself from chuckling softly with his face buried against his pillow.

Niall knocks again, this time with more force. "Harry Edward Styles, I swear to God. You have to come out there right now."

Harry frowns inwardly when he can hear the firmness and urgency with Niall's voice. So it must be something really important.

Harry sighs and he decides to rise from the floor he's been laying on. He sits up with his legs stretched out and he mindlessly rubs his eyes, causing him to have a slight blurry vision as of the moment.

"Harry!" Niall shrieks from the other side of the door.

Harry groans again.

Niall is the most impatient among them and his other flatmates. Which consists of Liam Payne, a really good friend of Harry's from childhood who decided to move in with Harry when they started to apply for Uni. And Zayn Malik, who came from Bradford who wears tons of tattoo just like Harry and his co workmate back then when he used to work in a Bakery. Zayn and Harry both got along with each other sharing a deep connection and adoration with meaningful enigmatic tattoos. Last but not the least, Niall Horan. The Irish bloke they met online when they were looking for another roomie as they passed in Uni. Niall captivated Zayn and Liam with his wholesome attitude and a totally infectious laugh. Harry grew to love Niall as soon the semester passes by as they both love to play guitar.

Harry is indeed in a great relationship between his friends slash flatmates. He is the type of kid who usually stands out from the rest of the crowd because of his glowing eyes and cheeky attitude to come with. He always tries to have a good laugh with others and is very friendly and also fond with children. Zayn never lets him forget that once in his life while babysitting some kid, a stranger comes up to Harry and asks if it was his child. When Harry says no, the stranger got mad and scolded him for trying to deny his own 'offspring' (stranger's words not his). Harry almost died of embarrassment. And Zayn could have always died of laughter.

“What the fuck?” Harry sneers at Niall after he opens the door. 

Niall meets Harry’s blazing eyes. His face crumpled with irritation. “You’re not the only one who didn’t get much sleep. 

”What is it? Why are you pounding on my door anyway?” Harry asks, forehead creased with confusion. His eyes quickly darts on the wall clock just behind Niall and it reads, thirty minutes to 11 am.

”Zayn called. He freaking called me and took away my solitude—“

”Niall, you’re rambling. What the fuck is up today?” Harry presses. He’s not really a morning person and isn’t a fan of being interrupted from his deep slumber. Harry loves sleeping on his floor rather than his own bed. He feels like his bed is too huge for him, even though he really is a tall and lean person.

”Sorry, mate.” Niall scratches the back of his neck. “Zayn called and told me that we should clean up the whole vacant room down the end of the hall. Take our stuff and put it in our rooms.”

Harry’s mind stirs. He stands still, hand pressed on the frame of his door. His brows knitted together. 

“What?” Harry’s eyes gapes at Niall. “Why would he want you to remove our shit in that room?”

That room that they’re talking about is the only vacant room they have. Their flat is on the sixth floor of a semi old building located right at the heart of London. It cost them so much that they have decided to have more flatmates. The more people living in, the lesser the cut. All in all, there are four rooms. But Zayn and Liam have both decided to share the biggest room because since as a kid, Zayn couldn’t sleep alone. Harry knew that because Zayn told him that over bottles of beer one night after their shift at the Bakery. Harry didn’t want to believe him at first but Zayn proves it to him when they sleep over at Harry’s house and Harry is awaken by a loud ear shattering scream coming from the guest room. Turns out, it was Zayn. He had a nightmare and was covered in sweat. Harry pitied him and slept beside Zayn until the next day. It was his only flaw, Zayn says to him. Since that night, Harry finally believes him. Especially it was the first time he saw Zayn that vulnerable. 

And now, Zayn is nowhere to be found and so is Liam. Leaving Harry puzzled with Niall in front of him early in the morning telling him to remove his other things that’s been stored in the vacant room.

“Did he told you why?”

Niall nods. “We have a new roomie.”

Harry could have sworn he was definitely deaf or dreaming or just hearing things or all of the above. It’s a big deal for him because the four of them already had a talk that it’s final that they shouldn’t add or let another person move in with them. They can’t barely clean the entire flat and now Zayn wants to let another person, perhaps a stranger, into their flat? That is totally unacceptable.

Harry doesn’t like the thought of having another person invading his personal space. Living with Niall, Liam and Zayn is already making his head hurt, what more it could do to him if some stranger adds to his unbearing headache?

Zayn must have lost his mind.

”No,” Harry exclaims, his eyes squinting. “Call Zayn and tell him no.”

”No to what, exactly?”

He slaps his own forehead and sighs. “As in no, no one can move here anymore. We’re already crowded! Jesus christ.”

No, no can do. Harry is firm with his decision. He cannot bear to tolerate another living soul. This is the exact reason why he chose to move out from his house from his hometown. He needed his space and freedom from his doting sometimes-exaggerated-joyful mother and his sassy-yet-kind of-personal space invader sister. When he lived with them he absolutely couldn’t breathe and live his own life. He always felt the need to lock his bedroom just in case Gemma, his sister who is older than him for four years, decides to snoop in and wear his shirts. His collection of classic band shirts, he may add.

“Well, call him. My head still hurts from too much whiskey last night.” Niall tells him, grasping his head and slightly pulling his blonde streaked with brown hair. 

“And who’s fault is that?” He retorts.

Niall glares at him. “Don’t blame this one on me it wasn’t—“

”You brought that shitty whiskey from your country and made Liam and I drink all of it. It’s your fault, Niall. Don’t act so innocent.” Harry rolls his eyes at him. He’s still pissed at Niall for making him so drunk last night that he can still feel his head thumping like something is pounding on it. Although he somehow liked the vintage and bittery taste of it, he won’t admit that to Niall. He would never.

Niall huffs. “You liked it. You definitely did.”

”No, you twat. I didn’t. How could I stop when you were already pushing our glasses to our mouths?” 

But that wasn’t entirely true. And Harry is very much aware of that. He just wanted to let Niall take the blame for his intolerable headache.

Niall chuckles dryly, crossing his arms over his naked chest. “Sure. Keep telling that to yourself.”

Harry wanted to retort some defensive yet sarcastic answer to him when Niall’s phone in his other hand starts to ring.

The both of them quickly glances on it and Niall sighs.

”It’s Zayn.” 

“Tell him. Tell him I said no.”

Niall looks at the screen and shoves his phone to Harry’s chest, causing Harry to jolt backwards. 

“Niall!” Harry hisses.

”You tell him. I’m fine having another flatmate.” He shrugs.

”What the fuck? Are you being serious now?”

Niall’s phone keeps on ringing in a shrill loud tone. Harry is currently holding onto it.

”The more, the merrier.” Niall laughs and turns around to leave Harry standing at his doorway.

”You just don’t want to pay rent, dumbass!” Harry shrieks. But it’s too late. Niall is already gone from his sight.

The device in his hand still ringing, Harry sighs and slides his thumb across the screen to accept the call.

Harry heaves a deep sigh.

”Niall, you idiot. What took you so long to  answer the goddamn phone?” Zayn’s thick strong accent booms as Harry presses the device on his ear.

”Chill out, Zayn.” Harry says. “It’s me.”

Zayn sighs. “Mate, did Niall already—“

”No, Zayn.” Harry cuts him off.

”What do you mean ‘no’?” 

Harry steps outside his room and he walks up to their living room, plopping down on the cushioned couch.

”No. As in we can’t have another flatmate. We’re already packed. And besides, living with the three of you is already making my head ache. I don’t like to add another stranger again.” Harry explains to him, in a calmer tone than he used to Niall earlier.

Zayn sharply sighs on the other line. Clearly unhappy with Harry’s decision. 

Good. Because Harry isn’t going to change his mind.

”Harry, listen.” Zayn speaks again. “Please do understan—“ 

Zayn’s voice is suddenly drowned in a familiar noise in the background, making Harry jump out of his seat.

”Good lord, Zayn! Why are you in a hospital?” Harry shrieks. “Are you fine? What happened?!”

”Harry, calm down. I’m fine, mate.” Zayn calmly says. 

Harry sighs with a relief on his chest. He frowns again. “What were you saying?”

”Right.” Zayn quickly said. “I’m at the hospital because I have to look after an old friend of mine. My bestfriend, actually. He’s like a brother to me, Haz. I.. I have to look out for him now because–“

”Wait, what? You’re not making any sense. What are you talking about?” 

Harry heard another continuously beeping sound at the background of Zayn’s. He’s definitely in a hospital.

”My bestfriend, from Bradford- got into a traumatic car collision one month ago. He’s confined here in London Grace General Hospital. That’s where am I right now. He needs someone to look after him  and no one is really there for him when he got into that accident. He was in comathose so when he finally wakes up, that’s the time when they called me in..”

Harry can instantly feel somersault stirring in his stomach, as if it’s an hurricane. His mouth starts to twitch and his throat went dry. 

“He’s in a terrible state, Harry. The doctors diagnosed him with retrograde amnesia. But somehow he can remember me quite a bit. He doesn’t really know me well but when the nurse calls me in they told me I was the one he kept on looking for. I only knew he was in the hospital last night.”

”That’s why you weren’t home.” Harry breathes. 

The information coming from Zayn is already too much for him, making his head hurt even more because of the early interruption from his sleep and the effect of that Ireland whiskey and everything all at once. He stirs and grabs a throw pillow close to his chest as he talks to Zayn.

”Yes. I was here. Looking after him. I can’t believe it. It’s so traumatic. His head was bashed and all.” 

Harry bites his lower lip, balancing his swirling unruly thoughts. 

“Then what’s it with you having to add another flatmate?” Harry finds himself asking over the phone.

Zayn sighs. It was a heavy sigh.

”My bestfriend needs somewhere safe to stay. To temporarily live in. He can’t go back from where he was—“

Harry quirks his brow. “Doesn’t he have any family at all?”

He wasn’t being cruel or rude. It’s just that he finds it so hard to think through that someone can be involved in a traumatic accident yet no one from their lives can actually help him or even care at all? Harry finds it horrifying.

”No. His mother and sisters knew but they don’t even care at all. The hospital called them first.”

”What the fuck, Zayn? Who the hell has a family like that?!” Harry almost screams.

Niall suddenly emerges from his room and worriedly looks at Harry.

”What’s happening?” Niall asks.

Harry dismissively raise his hand. “Zayn you have to call them again and they should be the one taking care of your friend!”

Harry cannot actually comprehend that this is really happening. Like who the fuck abandons a child suffering from a head injury or whatsoever? 

“Is that Zayn?” Niall sits across Harry.

Harry briefly nods. Niall just stares back at him with his mouth slightly ajar.

“He has to be discharged today, Haz. The hospital bill is too expensive and I bet he has a budget for this. This is my bestfriend. I can’t leave him like this. He doesn’t remember a bloody thing except for some snippets. Once he’s settled under my care, I will find and talk to his family. Please, Harry. I really need you to agree on this. I promise he won’t cause any distractions or—“

”Fine.” Harry slowly says.

”What?”

”I said, fine. I understand, Zayn. Your bestfriend needs help. I would do the same too.” Harry breathes, his eyes kind of watery.

Harry isn’t cruel. He’s far from that. He understands how badly Zayn needs to do this and he cannot get in the way. He’s not going to be stubborn about this. He exactly knows how life can be terrible.

”Thank you so much! God, I want to fucking cry right now!” 

“Oh, no. Just go get him. Niall and I should be really cleaning up our stuff in that vacant room now.”

Niall’s face is now even more crumpled with total confusion. He looks at Harry with his forehead creased.

”What?” He mouths.

Harry ignores him. 

“Zayn, you—“

”Oh, fuck!” Zayn curses.

”What? Why?” Harry frowns.

”Haz. Let me call you back—“

 _“Zayn! What the hell? Why isn’t the guards letting me pass?!”_ A ear-piercing shout burst from the background.

”Shit! El! What are you—“ 

”Zayn! What’s happening? Zayn!” Harry frantically screams over the phone, both of his hands clutching it tight.

But there was too much shouting and noise on the other end. 

“Zayn!” 

Then the call was dropped.

Harry pulls the phone away from his ear, staring at it. “What the hell?” 

”What? What’s happening?” Niall looks at him.

”I don’t even know now..” Harry mumbles as his eyes fixates on the blank screen of Niall’s phone, his heart racing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**II**

**Harry**  could feel his own skin prickling against the wool of his worn out cashmere sweater that he decided to wear upon realizing that Zayn isn’t calling him back soon and is not answering his calls. Harry usually just walks around the house topless because they’re all guys anyway. But today, something about today is bothering him and he doesn’t even know why.

 

But he knows one thing for sure. Its that he’s suffering from hangover and his head is aching badly even though he already drank aspirin.

 

He doesn’t even know why he’s staring out right at the window, as if he’s cautiously waiting for Zayn’s arrival with his friend. Sure, Harry feels pity for the poor lad. Who is clearly in a terrible state because no one is actually there for hin except Zayn.

 

But what makes Harry more confused is who is the person behind that voice. It was definitely a girl. It was a loud scream with a tone of anger. Harry totally heard that. And it confuses him more.

 

As his eyes quietly perplexed on the view from outside, Niall sits beside him.

 

“Harry.” Niall calls him.

 

He looks up, “What?”

 

“What’s he like?” Niall asks in a quiet voice.

 

“Who?”

 

“Zayn’s friend.”

 

Harry shifts in his seat. “Oh. Him. I.. I don’t know. It’s definitely a guy, that’s all I know.”

 

Niall nods, his brows knitted together.

 

Harry is about to look away when Niall starts to talk again.

 

“I’m scared. And purely worried.” Niall trails off. “I mean, what should I say? How do I act around him? Should I talk to him slowly or—“

 

“Niall, what the hell?” Harry shoots him a glare. “He’s diagnoses with amnesia, not a retard. Jeez.”

 

Niall’s facial expression eases. “Oh. Alright. I can handle that. But what should I just—“

 

“Niall, mate.” Harry places his hand on Niall’s shoulder, his voice trying to be calm. “Just don’t wear him out by your talkathon. Amnesiac usually suffers from headache and all that, like I am right now.”

 

“Oh! For fucks sake!” Niall groans, swatting Harry’s hand away from him. “Stop blaming me from making you drink! You willingly shove it all down your throat.”

 

“You shoved it down on my throat, not me.” Harry replies with a grim expression.

 

“But why are you even drinking anyway? You told us you’d stop.”

 

Harry’s face falls, his hands starts to twitch.

 

He can feel his heart drumming and his eyes slightly watery. But he purses his lips and grins at Niall.

 

“My life’s a mess, mate. Alcohol is the best bandaid for pain.” Harry answers.

 

Niall laughs and shakes his head with disbelief. “Then it’s not on me if your life is shitty. It’s not on me, sister.”

 

Yeah, Harry’s life is definitely the shittiest. He ignores Niall with his comment and stares at the window again. He doesn’t want to stare all day but something is quite wrong with him today.

 

Besides of Zayn’s revelation, Harry knows he already done his usual routine. He already washed his face and brushed his teeth earlier after hauling the boxes from the vacant room. He was done drinking aspirin and coffee to fill his stomach. His own bed is properly made because he slept on the floor. But even though he’s sure that he is totally not forgetting anything, right at the pit of his stomach, he can feel something hurling in it. And he cannot pinpoint the reason why.

 

Niall rolls his eyes. “You’re being dramatic.”

 

Just like Harry said, his friends always thinks he’s a ball of sunshine and nothing could ruin his happy mood. But no, they’re clearly wrong.

 

And of course, Harry won’t tell them that. Never.

 

***

 

After a few hours of waiting, Harry finally decides to finish his term paper that is due next week. He places his laptop on the dining table and started typing his work.

 

Meanwhile, Niall is scrolling up and down on his screen while scanning his Twitter Feed. He’s gorging on a bag of potato crisps loudly and it makes Harry irritated.

 

“Niall, can you please, for the love of God, stop munching so loud?”

 

Niall didn’t reply. Instead, he takes a handful of potato crisps with his hand and shove them right into his mouth and begins chewing noisily.

 

Harry pursed his lips as he starts to massage his temple because of the headache kicking in again.

 

“This is so annoying.” Harry mutters under his breath, attempting to stand up from the stool when a loud knock stops him.

 

He and Niall both shared a look.

 

It’s Zayn. Probably.

 

Niall dashes out from the couch and quickly runs to the front door. He unlocks it and holds it open.

 

Harry picks up his laptop and as soon as he turns around, Zayn is already walking inside their flat with a disoriented looking guy slowly following him from behind.

 

“Mate.” Niall greets Zayn.

 

Zayn nods at him and motions his hand at the person behind him. Harry slowly walks over to them, his feet dragging his body with a heavy weight.

 

“This is Louis.” Zayn introduces the guy beside him.

 

Harry stares at him. Louis has light brown hair which is messy, he has sea blue green eyes and his cheekbones are really emphasized along with a sharp jawline to match with.

 

Louis is smaller than Zayn. Probably inches apart. He’s wearing a Marvel shirt along with a denim jacket and jeans that really accentuates his curves. But all in all, he absolutely look lost.

 

Harry noticed how Louis has a huge bandage wrapped around his head. It looks bad and there’s some stain of crimson stain on it that looks like blood. He couldn’t help but to stare even more.

 

Louis’s eyes is captivating and it makes Harry wonder why on earth that his heart is racing just by looking at him?

 

“Hey, I’m Niall. Niall Horan.” Niall extends his hand in front of Louis.

 

Louis glances at it and nods. “Louis Tomlinson.”

 

“This is Harry, by the way.” Zayn softly places his hand on Louis’ arm.

 

Harry and Louis’ eyes both met, causing Harry to inhale sharply.

 

Something inside him hurls. And he doesn’t know what.

 

“Harry, you okay?” Zayn glances at him.

 

He weakly nodded and reaches for Louis’ hand in front of him.

 

“Hi.” Harry breathes, completely ignoring the mess in his body and mind.

 

“Hello.”

 

As soon as their hands touches it sent shivers right through Harry’s spine. What the hell is happening to him? Why is he acting so strange?

 

Louis notices the tension from Harry’s touch. He frowns, “Are you alright?”

 

Harry’s chest rises as he opens his mouth and says, “You look familiar.”

 

Louis’ eyes focuses on his.

 

He couldn’t read past Louis’ eyes because it’s like there’s thick brick wall surrounding it.

 

“Really?” Zayn asks, glancing back and forth at them. “Have you two met?”

 

Louis stifles a dry laugh. “I wouldn’t know, Zayn. Amnesia, remember?”

 

Harry can almost hear the bitterness dripping from Louis’ voice as he talks to Zayn. He couldn’t feel anything but confusion. Why is something bothering him yet he doesn’t know what?

 

“Maybe from Uni?” Niall suggests.

 

“No.” Zayn shakes his head. “Louis is already working. He’s older than us.”

 

“Oh!” Niall exclaims. “What do you do, Louis?”

 

Louis opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He looks lost. Like, really lost. He briefly glances at Zayn for help.

 

“I don’t quite exactly remember a lot of things—“

 

“Niall, stop wearing him out.” Harry interjects, having three pairs of eyes on him. He smiles softly at Louis. “Louis, your room is clean and ready. Maybe you should check it out, yeah?”

 

“Really?” Louis’ face lightens.

 

Zayn puts his arm over Louis’ shoulder. “Come on, man. I’ll show you.”

 

Louis smiles apologetically at Niall and Harry but Harry is too busy breathing in and out rapidly to even notice that Zayn and Louis were both already out of sight.

 

“Oh my god.” Harry wheezes. His knees starts to wobble so he plops down on the floor, hand tightly clutching his chest.

 

Niall’s eyes widens. “Harry! You look pale as fuck!”

 

Harry doesn’t speak, his eyes blazing and his whole body shivering and couldn’t feel anything all at once.

 

Niall crouches down to help Harry stand up but his legs are totally useless because of its numbness.

 

“Bloody hell,” Niall screeches worriedly. “Is that whisky too much?”

 

Harry shakes his head and breathes slowly.

 

“No, Niall.” He tells him. Niall shoots him a baffled look.

 

“Then what?!”

 

Harry gulps. How can he answer Niall when he doesn’t even have a tiny clue about what’s happening with him.

 

“Dude, you’re having a panic attack.” Niall manages to help him stand up steadily.

 

He guides Harry right to the couch near them and Harry starts to breathe rapidly while still clutching his chest.

 

Niall’s right. He’s definitely having another panic attack.

 

“Here, drink this.” He quickly hands him a water. Harry shakily drank it with the help of Niall.

 

Harry knows by heart what’s happening to him. But his mind is at mess on why is it happening right now. And not any days before.

 

Harry heaves a deep sigh and shuts his eyes closed. Niall worriedly looks at him.

 

But as soon as he realizes something, Harry is already too late, because Niall is frowning at him and is clearly demanding for an answer.

 

“It’s been a fucking month, why the hell are you having another panic attack now?”

 

Harry wanted to cover his ears and stop his mouth from saying anything but his eyes are already tearing up and his knees starts to wobble again.

 

“Harry, do you think you should..”

 

He shoots him a firm look. “No, Niall. I can’t fucking go back there. No.”

 

Harry already decided that he won’t go back there again and nothing’s gonna make him change his mind from that. He made peace with that decision and he wants to be able to move forward. He can’t go back, not right now, even if it kills him.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m gonna confuse you first before hurting you ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**III**

 

 

Harry shifts on his bed, widely awake and staring absentmindedly at the ceiling. His own mind is clouded with thoughts and silence is engulfing his room. 

He had another panic attack. He did. And of all the days that it can happen to him again, why on earth it happened earlier? What is the matter with him?

Zayn made a beeline at dinner that Louis will be resting inside his room for the rest of the day. Niall was actually kind of disappointed because he thought he can talk to Louis. But Zayn warned him not to stress Louis too much, since the doctors told him that Louis can still suffer from mild concussions and headache caused of his traumatic head injury. 

Poor Louis. Harry says to himself. He saw the way that Louis stood over there, with a glint of lost in his captivating sea blue green eyes. He totally can see the emptiness behind it. And it doesn’t even surprise Harry at all. People tend to have perfect smiles and empty lonely eyes nowadys. Maybe Harry is one of them too, he’ll never know.

Harry sits up on his bed, his feet dangling on the edge of it. He takes a deep breath as his eyes flicker towards his window.

The dark sky is covered with stars as it shimmers. Harry stares at it for moment. He likes it when the sky is just quietly there, has some stars on it like glitter dusts. 

There are many things that Harry regrets. As a teenager growing up, he constantly reminds his own mother that she’s nagging him too much for his liking, making Anne (his mother) explain that she only wants to be there for Harry. But Harry didn’t know that until now. Until now that he can feel the loneliness creeping inside his bones and numbness seething. But he’s Harry. He would never admit that. Not to his mother. 

Over the years, Gemma, Harry’s sister, made him feel anxious at all times. She usually invades his personal space that he always hated. She keeps on borrowing Harry’s shirts without even returning it. And the came one night, he caught Gemma red handed, t-shirt in hand, absolutely shocked to realize Harry already caught him. Scowling at her, he snatched back the shirt and told her not to touch his things anymore because she never returns it. Gemma was kind of taken aback from Harry sudden outbursts, contrary to the fact that Gemma has been doing the same thing for years and Harry only manage to yell at her for even doing it. Harry got so much mad at her he started yelling nonsense hurtful things. He even tossed a lampshade on the ground, much to Gemma’s horror. But the next morning, Gemma’s upset and Harry apologizes to her in repeat motion. He said that he absolutely didn’t know what was he even thinking when he tossed that lampshade and someone could’ve been hurt, Gemma could have been hurt. That’s when Gemma told him that he should learn how to control his emotions. Because acting without even thinking would only result to chaos and regret. 

And that’s how Harry knew he totally fucked up in that aspect of his life. It’s where it all went down. He didn’t listen to his sister. He was immature.

Feeling a bit unsteady, Harry gets out of his bed, picking up his mobile phone on the nightstand. 

Breathing slowly, he walks out of his room. He’s been greeted by a dark and cold living room. No one is awake except for him and his thoughts. He strides his way to the front door when he halts, catching sight of a silhouette of a person sitting right by the windowsill, his heart beatind loudly. 

“Louis?” He frowns. He’s absolutely sure that it’s Louis. Niall and the other lads are probably snoring and soubdlty asleep by now.

Louis, much to Harry’s expectation, sits still and he stares at Harry with his face glistening by the reflection of the moonlight glowing right through the window. Louis looked serene. He looks peaceful, but lost. Still lost. Harry can’t explain but he can see Louis’ eyes with a deep hollow.

”Hey.” Louis nods at him, lips on a thin line. Harry grows awkward, he doesn’t know what to say. He hasn’t talked to him ever since Louis arrived, as per Zayn’s warning that he was resting. Harry didn’t want to intrude or disturb Louis. He feels nothing but pity to him.

”Can’t sleep too?” Louis asks, eyes directly looking at Harry.

Harry can feel his skin prickling again, his heart unsteadily beats.

Harry slowly nods, mouth dry. “Y-Yeah. How about you?”

”I think I’ve had enough sleep for an entire month. I’m good.” Louis dryly laughs, causing Harry to feel even more awkward. Harry isn’t good with this, he doesn’t know what to say but he actually wants to talk to someone. Even if it’s Louis, the poor abandoned amnesia victim he just met hours ago.

If he won’t have someone else to talk to, he might actually go crazy and just pick up his phone and let himself drown again to the toxicity of it all. But no, it’s been a long way down and he won’t let it happen again. He won’t allow himself to sink back into it.

Harry puts down his phone on the coffee table, cautiously still glancing at Louis. Louis has his eyes focused on Harry’s each move. He settles himself on the edge of their couch, meters away from Louis.

“How did it happen?” Harry speaks up, slightly pinching his own thigh for asking such question. He didn’t want to offend Louis or tire him. He’s not like Niall. He won’t be like Niall at all.

Louis breaks the eye contact, staring right back at the window. His face expressionless.

”Sorry, I should—“

”No,” Louis cuts him off. “It’s alright. I just.. don’t exactly know what to tell you.”

”Didn’t the doctors told you?”

Louis chuckles. “They don’t even tell me a lot of things, Harry. It’s like they’re solving my life with puzzles that I don’t even know it actually fits. I don’t remember a bloody thing except for Zayn’s name swimming in my head. And apparently, my girlfriend’s.”

Harry almost chokes, complete baffled. “What?”

Louis shoots him a confused look. “What? You don’t believe I have one?”

Harry instantly shakes his head, dismissing Louis’ words. “No. No.. Zayn didn’t mentioned it earlier.”

”I didn’t know I had one. It’s just when I woke up from coma, all I could think about is Zayn, Eleanor, and a screeching car noise. And then blank. Nothing.”

Harry looks down at his hands. He can feel the confusion with Louis’ voice. It’s definitely a revelation for him that someone like Louis can be a victim of fate being merciless and brutal.

Actually, Harry is aware that shitty things keeps on happening to people who doesn’t even deserve it. 

He looks back at Louis’ figure. Harry carefully runs his eyes down on him, studying his each feature. Louis might be small but he’s actually gorgeous. Harry couldn’t deny that. 

“Were you together for a long time?” Harry stares at him, forehead creased.

Louis stifles a laugh. 

“Why? What’s funny?”

”Three years. Can you believe that?” 

Harry’s mouth goes ajar. “Oh, wow.”

”She went to the hospital earlier. Zayn didn’t want her to see me. Apparently, she’s a handful and I was in a toxic relationship with her.” 

Harry freezes. He hates it when people engage into a toxic relationship. He doesn’t find the thought of staying with someone and justify their wrong treatment to their partner quite appealing. It scares him.

It scares him to be with someone who messes you up so horrible and then you just stand there, lips pursed and act like nothing wrong happened. Like you weren’t actually hurt.

“So, did you broke up with her? I have a feeling that she’s the one I heard when I was on the phone wit Zayn.” 

Louis shrugs. “No. Not yet.”

”What?!” Harry almost jumps out from the couch, eyes wide.

”To be honest, I need to keep her. At least for now. I need her and Zayn. I can’t remember a bloody thing and it turns out if there are people who exactly knows me, it’s them. I have no other choice.”

Louis says it like it’s not even bothering him at all. But Harry is way past that. He’s too shocked to even register in his mind that Louis.. poor Louis is not yet breaking up with his toxic girlfriend.

”You have to break up with her,” Harry tells him. Louis stares at him. “It’s unhealthy, Louis. I swear.”

Harry didn’t want to intrude to Louis’s life and decisions. But he’s living here in their flat, along with Harry. And he cannot see Louis makes such wrong decisions. With amnesia or not, Louis should not settle for that.

Louis smiles softly. “Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing. Don’t be so worked up.”

Harry sharply inhales. “I’m not worked up. I’m just confused.”

”Don’t be. It’s not your thing to worry about.”

It was an innocent answer from Louis but Harry can’t stop himself for feeling a pang of hurt. He was just looking out for Louis, well not looking out, but he was just actually concern. Yet Louis tells him not to worry because it’s not his business. It’s like that. Harry feels slightly indiffirent.

Harry mutters, “Right.”

Louis meets his gaze. He quickly looks away, afraid to make an eye contact now. He can’t wash the feeling of indifference in him and it’s pissing him off.

”Harry, why do I feel like I know you?” Louis’ small voice rang through Harry’s ear.

Harry looks at him, brows knitted. “Well, you do look familiar.”

Louis points at the slightly blood stained bandage wrapped around his head. “I feel like if I don’t have this, I could remember where I saw you. Or why your face looks familiar.”

Harry’s heart drops. Eyes twitching, he manages to look at Louis intently.

He purses his lips. “I guess.”

Harry didn’t want to say anything at all by now. He still couldn’t get ahold of what’s happening to him why he suddenly felt off. 

“Zayn told me—“ Louis’ voice was interrupted by a loud familiar ringtone, breaking the silence across the entire room.

Harry and Louis both tilt their heads on the coffee table, where Harry’s mobile phone vibrating and roars the familiar ringtone causing Harry to feel his heart pounding as his throat went dry and tight as ever.

Louis notices the tension from Harry’s expression. He coughs, “You should answer that perhaps?”

Harry ignores Louis. His eyes focused on his phone that’s still ringing.

”I should get some sleep.” Louis awkwardly tells him.

But before Harry could even react, Louis is already far down the hall, away from him.

Harry heaves a heavy sigh as he continues to stare at his phone.

He knows who’s calling him. He very well knows it and that’s why he doesn’t want to answer it.

”No.” He whispers, his voice small and cracking.

 

Harry swiftly picks up his phone and turns it off. His eyes blazing with anger, “I can’t let you do this again.”

 

***

”Harry.”

Harry stirs to his side and shuts his eyes firmly closed. 

“Haz.” 

It’s definitely Zayn.

”Mate, you have to get up.”

Harry shoots his eyes open as he was greeted by a worried Zayn, crouching down in front of him.

”Oh god,” Harry mutters.

”Yep. You slept on the freaking floor again.” Zayn adds.

Harry couldn’t even remember he fell asleep on the floor again. He only remembers him talking to Louis, and kind of upset how Louis told him not to worry. Is that even wrong? Why does Louis makes Harry feel like it’s wrong for Harry to be concerned for him? Isn’t Harry allowed to feel concern at all?

Harry rubs his eyes sleepily and looks up at Zayn. “I don’t remember falling asleep.” He sits up and yawns as he stretches his arms. 

“And then here I was, thinking that I’m the only one in here who doesn’t remember a bloody thing.”

Harry quickly shot Louis a look. He’s sitting on the couch right across Harry, with a grin playing on Louis’ face.

”For a lad who has amnesia, you’re quite noisy.” Harry looks at him.

”It’s amnesia, Harry. I’m not freaking mute.” Louis replies sarcastically.

Zayn laughs. “Tommo’s right.”

Harry fixates his eyes on Zayn, frowning. “Tommo..?”

”It’s a Bradford thing. It was his nickname there—“

”I can’ believe I let you call me that.” Louis shook his head with a playful grin still spread on his face.

Harry shifts on the floor. He’s looking intently at Louis who is now acting even more better than yesterday. He was awfully quiet when they first met and they kind of got the chance to talk for awhile later at night but Harry can feel that Louis is really acting different today. Maybe better, since he couldn’t wipe off that grin on his face.

And oh boy, Louis Tomlinson should laugh or smile more. It suits him. He looks even more beautiful.

”Harry, take a picture it’ll last longer.” Louis smirks at him.

That’s when it hits Harry that he’s been staring at Louis long enough for Zayn and Louis to caught him.

He’s caught off guard. Harry can feel his throat sticky, his cheeks flushes. “Uh, Sorry, I—“

Zayn interrupts him by patting his hand on his shoulder. “Stop rambling and go back to your room and sleep.”

Harry silently nods, still taken aback of how Louis teased him. He was determined that the Louis in front of him is more sassy and playful than the version he met first.

And he doesn’t know what to even feel.

Louis interjects, “Why do you even sleep on the floor? You’ve always done it. Zayn told me.”

Harry feels a bit disoriented. He can’t keep up of of Louis is acting today. He finds it weird but somehow, at the back of his mind, he reminds himself that he doesn’t even know who Louis was until Zayn dragged him to live here. He doesn’t have a clue who the hell Louis Tomlinson is.

”Feels better than the floor, I guess.” Harry finally says. He inwardly congratulates himself for talking and not just acting strange.

Zayn glances at Louis. “I told you, Lou. He has the weirdest answer.”

”Looks like it.” Louis grins.

Harry deeply breathes as he stands up, stretching out his limbs and brushing his curls away from his face.

“I’m gonna-“ Harry glances at Zayn and Louis awkwardly, “head to my room.”

Louis nods, his attention now away from Harry and is busily stirring his mug with s spoon.

Zayn casually smiles. “Sure thing, mate.”

With his head swirling with thoughts drags himself across the room to go to bedroom. Harry feels odd and Louis definitely did a great job making him slightly uncomfortable. He was surprised that Louis can joke around. Not that it’s a bad thing, of course. It’s just that it’s more better to see him like that than having him sulk alone in the corner and brood. And to top it all, Harry has been caught staring at Louis. He massively feels embarrassed. 

But right before Harry could even reach his door, Louis talks to him again.

”Hey, Harry. Can you come along with Zayn and I later? He’s going to tour me around.” 

He stops walking.

He slowly faces Louis and he nods curtly, “Cool.”

”Cool.” Louis sheepishly grins at him.

 

Harry couldn’t breathe since.

 

***

Harry pushes his hair back in a swift motion. He slowly walks on the pavement with his boots clicking each step. He roams his eyes around the area, some people are strolling by hand in hand or there are others who are walking alone in the wind. The cold shivering breeze hits past his skin, making him tingle a bit.

He could feel his mobile phone burning a hole inside the pocket of his jeans. He instantly regretted bringing it along with him when the three of them arrived at their destination. 

“This is the Greenwich Park, Lou.” Zayn jerks his head to the view in front of them. 

Louis looks around. Harry stares at him with caution at the side of his eye, he couldn’t afford to get caught again. It’s totally embarassing. He cannot do that again. In fact, it might make Louis uncomfortable with him.

Louis definitely looks good along with his clothes. He’s wearing a Nirvana shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans, his brown hair pushed back into a neat quiff, highlighting his face and structured cheekbones even more. 

“You listen to Nirvana?” Harry throws him a side glance.

”Who doesn’t?” Louis retorts.

”Zayn.” Harry says, causing Zayn to turn his face to them.

Zayn grumbles, “I don’t listen to it, okay? Don’t act like it’s a sin.”

”It is.” Harry and Louis said in unison.

Their eyes met and they both burst out in laughter.

Harry surprisingly feels his stomach calming down.

”Right.” Harry giggles. Louis shakes his head meanwhile Zayn shoots them both a death glare.

”Whatever,” Zayn mutters. Louis chuckles silently beside Harry.

”Let’s follow him.” Harry tells Louis.

They quietly walked around the park. Harry occasionally observes Louis’ each move even the way he talks. He can see his eyes shooting up and his hands moving in sudden motions while engaging in a conversation with Zayn. Harry observes how Louis walks in a slow pace and looks down on his shoes from time to time. Harry finds it odd. But he kept his opinions to himself. He notices how Louis’ shoulders tense up whenever Zayn tells him something about himself that he obviously doesn’t know yet.

Poor Louis.

When they reached the pavement near the lak itself, Zayn stops.

”Let’s take a picture.”

”No.” Louis yelps.

Harry and Zayn worriedly looks at him.

”Lou, why?”

Louis sneers. “You idiot. I look like shit and you want us to take a bloody picture?”

”No, you don’t.” Zayn frowns, clearly annoyed with Louis.

”Yes, I do!” Louis cries. “I have this enormous bandage around my head. It’s hideous.”

Zayn rolls his eyes. “You’re being over dramatic.” And then he whips out his phone from his pocket.

Louis steps back. “Zayn!”

”Just one! We should take a picture every place we go to. It’s going to be your new memories.” Zayn tells him.

”You’re saying that as if I won’t be able to remember anything at all.” Louis whispers, his voice cracking.

Harry awkwardly stands right in the middle of their heated conversation. Louis is obviously getting upset.

Zayn sighs. “I don’t mean it like that. I just want you to have new ones with us.” 

Louis looks down again on the ground, his shoulders tensed up.

Hands in his pocket of his trench coat, Harry kicks a pebble on the ground and glances at Louis. “Come on, Lou. It’s a shame not to take a photo. Your hair looks good today.”

Zayn stirs as he weirdly looked at Harry, definitely has no clue what he’s about to do.

Louis slowly looks up at Harry, his eyes a bit watery. Harry’s heart clenches. Louis is absolutely and hundred percent upset.

”Really?” Louis asks, in a small hopeful voice. Zayn bites his lower lip, cautiously watching Louis.

Harry beams. “Of course. Let’s do it, yeah?”

They waited for Louis to react.

”Right,” Louis breaks into a smile. “Would be a shame, huh?”

Zayn starts to grin. He stretches his arm to steady his phone on their faces. Harry scoots closer to Zayn. Louis hesitantly glances at Harry.

”Lou.” Zayn calls him.

“Come here, Louis.” Harry uses his hand to motion Louis to come closer.

Louis nods quietly, flashing a smile at Harry. 

Harry instantly felt the butterflies rummage in his stomach.

He shifts his feet, unfocusing his thoughts from the strange feeling inside him. What is this? Why is Harry feeling something he couldn’t put a word on it?

”Okay.” 

The three of them poses for the Zayn’s phone in front of them. 

“Say, cheese!” Zayn grins.

”Don’t fuckin’ say cheese, please.” Louis mutters.

Zayn and Harry both just laugh.

Louis is the first one who pulled away. 

Harry attentively fix his gaze at Louis. “See? Your hair looks good.”

Louis shrugs. “I like it better when it’s pushed down in a fringe. But I couldn’t because of this fucking bandage.”

Harry can hear the frustration in Louis’ voice, Harry actually finds Louis attractive and cute. Yes, cute. Louis looks cuddly. But stiff. Louis is always stiff. 

“This is gold.” Zayn smirks, while checking their picture on his phone. “I’m gonna send this to Liam and Niall.”

”I look horrible,” Louis groans, his hand slapping Zayn’s arm.

”Louis, you idiot! Don’t slap me!” 

Harry brushes his hair with his fingers. “You look alright, Louis. Don’t worry.”

”He’s always been so conscious about he’s face even back then,” Zayn rolls his eyes while his eyes focused on his phone.

”Says you.” Louis retorts. “You have this entire album full of vain pictures since you were a kid.”

Harry shoots Louis a surprised look.

Zayn’s jaw fell. “Lou..”

”What?”

”You remember?” Zayn asks him, obviously hopeful.

Louis’ face crumples in confusion. “I remember what?”

”You said you know that I have an entire album with my vain pictures.” Zayn slowly said, and adds, “Since I was a kid.”

Harry’s eyes warily move towards Louis.

”I didn’t,” Louis sighs with exasperation. “I only saw it last night when I came into your room.”

Realization slaps Zayn.

”Oh, right.” Zayn breathes.

”You thought I remembered?” 

Zayn nods, carefully watching Louis from his eyes. “I was hoping..”

”No, Zayn. I haven’t. Sorry to crush your hopes.” Louis snarls.

And then he saunters away from them, leaving Harry and Zayn speechless. Both taken aback and worried.

”He’s too emotional.” Zayn quietly says, breaking the silence around the both of them.

Harry pats Zayn’s shoulder. “Give him time, Zayn. Of course he would feel like that.”

”The doctors warned me about this. They told me that Louis will find it difficult to adapt. It’s like he won’t know how to act or what to even say. He won’t be able to control his emotions.” Zayn shakes his head in defeat. “I thought I had it under control. But..”

”But what?”

”But being with him, seeing him getting emotional and frustrated coz he can’t remember shit makes me frustrated too.” Zayn says in a low voice.

Harry pursed his lips, clearly doesn’t have any clue what to do. He knows that Louis will be quite difficult to deal with, and it will take a lot of patience but seeing Zayn sufferring too makes his stomach hurl.

”This is going to take a lot on everyone, Zayn.” He says.

Zayn stares at Harry with pain his caramel brown eyes.

”But I’m willing to help.”

”Are you serious? This isn’t your problem, Haz. Lou’s not your responsibility—“

”I’ll help Louis. I’m going to be there for him.” Harry tells him in a firm voice.

Harry doesn’t know what came into him to actually be willing to help Louis. Zayn is right, it isn’t his responsibility at all. But he cannot just stand there, knowing someone’s life could be torn without nobody caring at all.

He couldn’t afford to do the same mistake twice. Because if you do it again, it’s already a choice.

And this is his.

”You’ll do it?” 

Harry nods, trying to ignore the rock in the pit of his stomach; heavy and hard. 

“I will. Even as slowly as he needs, for as long it takes.”

At the back of his mind, Harry is crossing his fingers tightly and praying that this won’t send him again to drown in depths of despair. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lost.

**IV**

 

Solemnly, with long strides, Louis walks around the Park. Oblivious about what Harry and Zayn talked about.

Harry watches Louis from afar, keeping his distance because he doesn’t want Louis to notice that he’s been studying him. Harry squints his eyes at the glistening harsh sunlight that is attempting to set down, he bites his lip as he can see Louis screeches down into a halt— his frail hands moves smoothly along the green wrought-iron railings that barriers the lake from the sidewalk. 

Harry could have left him. Harry could have just gone with Zayn. After that conversation with him, Zayn receives a call from his group mate saying there’s an emergency meeting. So Harry was left all alone to look after Louis. Louis’ words struck to Harry. He needs someone to be there for him and he thinks he wants to be that someone. Although, Zayn is a bit skeptical to leave Louis with Harry. But he quite convinced him that he’ll do just fine. In fact, he won’t try to bother Louis at all. He’s like back again from his teenage years, the way he babysat those little children from his neighbourhood. But this time, Louis is older than him. And Harry doesn’t have an inkling of what’s going on inside his mind.

He sits still on the bench, letting his back relax lean back. Harry wants to approach Louis but he doesn’t know how. It’s like the Louis who’s standing few meters away is far from the Louis he talked to before. And it baffles him.

Is that how amnesia patients were like? It’s like they’re always on edge. Harry mulls it over his head. 

Louis glides his hands tightly on the railing, his eyes cold and distant. From where Harry’s sitting, he can see the longing from Louis’ eyes. It’s like he’s in deep thinking and his attention is thousand of light years away from where they are. Harry clenches his fist, feeling a pang of pity on him. 

How could someone so peaceful and beautiful like Louis be in a situation like this, leaving him abandoned and just lost. Lost like he’s nowhere to be seen or feel. It’s like Louis isn’t at home.

Harry can relate to the feeling of homesick. He’s homesick for the arms who can never hold him again. Harry sighs.

He was about to stand up, when his eyes catches a glimpse of Louis- tilting his head downwards and swiftly swiping his hand across his face.

Harry freezes. He could feel his stomach churns.

Louis is crying.

Harry inhales and keeps on intently staring at Louis’ figure. The sun is finally slowing down and the clouds hazily swarms around the spotless sky. 

Today’s definitely a good day. But Harry exactly know why Louis’ mood is changing faster than the weather. He signed up for this. He needs to talk to him if he’s going to help Louis.

He finally took the chance to stand up, hands slightly shaking. His head is levelled and his eyes focuses on Louis only. He can feel his heart racing but he couldn’t care any less at all. He wants to do this.

And this time, he’s gonna do something right. Just this once. 

Louis is standing still across him when Harry reaches him.

”Hey.” Harry slowly says.

Louis looks up quickly, subtly wiping his face with his palm. 

Harry shifts uncomfortably. He really doesn’t know how to do this, but one thing’s in his mind. He has to be careful with Louis. 

“Hi.” Louis nods, glancing at him for a quick second then his eyes are back on the view again.

”Zayn left.” Harry tells him.

”Looks like it.” Louis says in a straight voice. “Is he already fed up with me?”

Harry’s mouth agapes. “No, Louis. It’s not like that. He has to attend some—“

”Jeez, Harry. You gotta relax. I know him. He won’t leave me hanging.” 

Harry rubs the back of his neck, feeling a little bit awkward. Louis is not looking at him or even paying attention how close Harry is to him. Harry takes a few steps, moving a little more closer where Louis stands.

Louis must have felt him when he glances at Harry with a frown.

”Yes?” Harry grins.

”You’re too close.” Louis is still frowning at Harry. 

Harry’s eyes widens as he took a quick step back away from Louis. 

“I’m sorry.” He apologizes.

Louis chuckles. “Calm down, will you? Goodness. Why are you so worked up?”

Because I don’t know how to act around you. Harry wants to say that to him. But of course, he stifles an awkward laugh instead of just spitting out the truth.

”Well.. I guess this calls for a emergency listening.” Harry pursed his lips.

Louis fixates his gaze on Harry, remaining a stoic frowning face.

Harry sighs, he pulls out his phone and handed Louis the other pair of his earplugs. 

“What should I do with this?” Louis asked.

”Take that left side and I’ll have the right one—“

”No, I know how to share earplugs, dummy. What are we listening to?” 

Harry lowers his eyes on his phone’s screen and scrolled down through his playlist. 

Louis hesitantly pushes the earplug on his ear as his eyes directly watching Harry while he’s picking a song.

Harry could have sworn he felt Louis tensed up when he pressed one of his favorites from the band.

”Come as You are.” Louis breathes, his eyes never leaving Harry’s.

Harry can be sentimental at times when he likes it. He always listens to his favorite songs whenever he’s feeling a bit down or upset. It makes him at ease from being hurt or feeling too much emotions. And now, it seems to him that that’s what Louis is looking for. Some peace, some space and a leverage that he could be free without all what’s happening to his life. Harry wants to be the one who could make Louis see that the world would stop if his life becomes miserable. Harsh or not, it will just continue to spin around and will only leave them dazed. 

Harry grabs the railing to steady him. His head starts to spin and he could only steady himself by his hand.

”Nirvana,” Harry states, his voice a bit raspy. 

He could feel the tugging from his heart when Louis breaks into a smile.

”I like this one,” He tells Harry.

Harry stares at him in response.

He watches how Louis listens and slightly jerks his head whenever there is a high note incoming. Harry studies Louis with his unfazed perplexed eyes. As the sun goes down in front of them, Harry could only understand one thing.

That sometimes, you don’t have to know a person for so long to be able to feel that deep, soothing, intense connection with them. 

But all good things must come to an end, that’s what at least always happens.

As another music rings through their ears, Louis pulls away, yanking the earplug away from him, with his face stoic and hardened.

Harry shot him a concerned look.

Everything happened so fast, so quick that Harry couldn’t almost keep up.

”I.. I have to go.” Louis’ voice cracks, his whole face turned pale as he turns around and grabbing the railing for him to steady himself and still stumbling while trying to walk off.

Harry’s jaw fell, and much to his shock, Louis is panicking. He tosses his phone back inside his pockets and runs after Louis.

Thank God, Harry has long legs or else he wouldn’t be able to catch up to Louis who is already has his back from him and limping away, obviously clutching his chest. Harry could feel his nerves cracking but he ignores it. 

“Louis!” He shouts.

But Louis didn’t bother to turn. He just keeps on walking away from Harry. 

“Louis! Fuck, Come on!” Harry finally catches up with him and he grabbed Louis’ arm.

”What the hell?! Don’t fucking touch me!” Louis yells at Harry, causing Harry to step back a bit from him.

Wide-eyed Harry tightly holds Louis’ arm as Louis struggles to take it off him. But Harry is much stronger than him.

”Louis, what happened?” Harry asked, his voice dripping with worry.

Louis tries his best to pull away from Harry but he couldn’t.

”Leave me alone!” 

“No! I won’t. Louis, talk to me!” Harry says in a high pitched voice.

Louis shakes his head. He pushes Harry with his arm. “Go! Go home, Harry!”

Harry stands still and firmly holds Louis’ arm. “I’m not coming home without you!”

”I don’t need you. Please! Just go!” Louis starts to cry. His tears streaming down on his face, Harry’s stomach drops.

”Louis.. what’s the matter?” Harry asked him, in a small cautious voice.

Louis looks definitely disturbed and shaken. And Harry doesn’t even know why.

”No..” Louis shakes his head, looking away from Harry’s gaze.

”Louis, what is it?” 

Louis stops moving.

Harry tilts his head to check Louis’ face. He’s still crying but he’s not moving and not pushing Harry off him. He’s just there, silently crying and standing in front of Harry.

Some civilians whispers as they pass them by. But Harry didn’t care. Louis needs help more than anything.

”That song..” Louis finally looks at him. Their eyes meet, sending shivers to Harry. 

He couldn’t exactly explain why he’s been feeling like this every time.

”Which one?” Harry searches his face. “The Nirvana one?”

Louis glowers. His eyes blazing with tears. Harry couldn’t quite read his eyes, it seems like it’s too dark.

”The one that came next,” Louis utters, his arm still on Harry’s grasp and their eyes looking right at each other.

Harry stills. And then his face falls. “What? The Scientist? What about it? Why did you ran?”

Louis heaves a heavy sigh, shutting his eyes then opens it again. Tears still brimming on his blue eyes.

”I don’t know what came to me but as soon I heard it something in my head just sharply shoots.” Louis tells him.

”It’s like something is wrong and fuck, I don’t know Harry.. everything is bloody wrong right now but when that song came.. as if my brain tensed and it hurts so much all I wanna do is run..” 

Much to Harry’s horror, Louis starts to sob loudly.

His hand lets go of Louis’ arm as he have seen the piercing pain through his eyes as he stared at Harry.

Harry couldn’t move. 

“This is fucking too much.” Louis says in a low voice. “I need her. I need her. I’m sorry Harry..”

And then the unthinkable happened. Louis looks at Harry with nothing but blank pair of eyes as he lowers his gaze on the ground and begins to walk away. Away from Harry.

”Louis..? What?” Harry whispers. “Where are you going?” He takes a step forward, but Louis is already taking two steps far from him.

”I’m sorry, Harry.” Louis tells him. “I have to do this.”

Harry was left bewildered and wide eyed, and really didn’t look like he knew what was happening or what was he doing. He kept looking at Louis’ departing figure with his eyes blurry and his heart crushed.

What the hell had just happened?

***

Contrary to what other believes, Harry needs to start looking for Louis. But as soon as he informs Zayn to tell him that he have might gotten Louis lost out from his sight, Zayn heavily sighs.

”It’s not your fault, Haz.” Zayn spoke from the other line.

”What do you mean? Did you just heard me? I lost him. He was panicking and Iet him leave.” Harry mutters, his hand pressed on his forehead with frustration.

He can’t stand knowing that Louis is out there, in deep confusion and alone. Some might take advantage of his situation or worse, Louis could be in a another accident again.

”You know, for as long as I knew him, he never really did change.” 

Harry’s brows knitted together. “What?”

”Since we were children, Louis likes to disappear whenever things gets out of his hand or he’s not in the mood. At first, his aunt and I frantically searches our whole area just to find him. I went everywhere. But you know, when we got home to Louis’ house, he was there. He was drinking juice like we weren’t just scared to death looking all over for him. I was so angry at him, Harry. I shouted at him for being so insensitive that he disappears without letting anyone know. But you wanna know what that son of a bitch just told me?”

”What did he say?” Harry asks.

”He told me that’s the whole purpose of disappearing. Because if he would’ve told me then it won’t be considered as gone anymore. He’s like fucking conundrum every single time. He was just lucky I stayed right beside him. People can’t stand him, Harry. He always think ahead above anything else. Understanding him would just drive you mad.” 

Harry purses his lips. He didn’t know what to exactly react to what Zayn had told him. It was too much for his already messed up head.

”What are you telling me, Zayn? Are you implying that I should just leave him?”

Zayn sighs. “No. I’m telling you that Louis never changed a bit. Not even an ounce. He still disappears whenever he wants to and you can never find him, Harry. You can’t find the people who doesn’t want to be found.”

Harry shuts his eyes as he leans back on the backrest of the bench he’s sitting on. The sky is already dark and there are no stars around. The sharp numbing wind brushes against his skin, even under his trench coat.

Zayn has a point. He can never find someone that clearly doesn’t want to be found and left intentionally. But he couldn’t stand the fact that Louis is aloke by himself. So Harry contradicts Zayn.

”I’m going to look for him,” Harry announces, his voice firm.

He’s not leaving or going back to their flat without Louis. Not without him.

”Harry—“

He sharply cuts Zayn off. “Zayn, I don’t understand you. You were the one who wanted to look after your bestfriend then what now? You’re acting as if he’s still normal! Well news flash, Zayn. Your bestfriend is suffering from amnesia and he doesn’t remember a bloody thing. Aren’t you even worried?” 

“Harry. I’m more than worried. But I know him. All my life, Louis has always been like that. I suggest you let him—“

”No, fuck, Zayn.” Harry groans. “You are not listening to me at all! If you can sit there and act like there’s nothing fucking wrong with Louis, fine. I’ll look for him myself.”

”Just because I’m not acting like you are right now, that doesn’t mean I’m not worried at all.” Zayn utters.

”Louis is like a brother to me, Harry. Well if you wanna look for him, I’ll go with you. We’ll look for him. And if we couldn’t find him, what will you do?”

Harry inhales. “We’re not taking any chances. We’re gonna find him.”

”I suppose you’re really this willing to help Louis? Do you like him?”

Harry stops from breathing for a second. His heart clenches along with his jaw.

He doesn’t like Louis. Sure, he’s gorgeous and those amazing blue green eyes can captivate him but he doesn’t like Louis like that. Not at least romantically, no, he could not like him at all. He just can’t do this now.

In fact, he feels utterly sorry for Louis. He doesn’t know whether it’s right or wrong to pity someone because of their situation but Harry couldn’t wash away the strange feeling in him as he thinks of Louis. But now, he doesn’t quite know if he feels sympathy or empathy for Louis. It’s just he can’t stand seeing someone to be that messed up and no one is actually trying to pull him up and keep him away from drowning.

Harry knew how it feels like to drown. He can’t go back there and he can’t let someone drown just because he has no one beside him.

No one deserves that.

”I don’t like him, Zayn.” He finally speaks, his eyes staring right at the sky. “I just.. I just see myself in him.”

”Like what?”

Harry traces his hand along the edge of the moon, with his eyes squinting. The sky was blank and nothing. Just like he feels, it’s all blank.

”Harry? Still there, mate?”

Harry hitches a breath.

”I’m here.”

”Let’s meet, yeah? We’ll look for him.”

Harry could only nod and say, “Okay.”

***

Harry wanders down the streets, roaming his eyes around him- trying to catch Louis’ silhouette.

The road is dark under the cloud, yet beyond quiet. People are dashing in and out of each restaurants he passes by. Some of them comes in groups or couples but never alone.

While living in the heart of the city, Harry have grown used to having the warming, orange glow of streetlamps outside each houses right beside the streets. He tilted his head skyward as he could see the black canvas of the sky, absolutely spotless. Not a star at sight. But the moonlight is streaking through the clouds , yet none of that light seemed to filter far enough to make any difference to what Harry feels.

He feels nothing. And it’s starting to scare him.

Harry sighs and he glances at his phone.

Two missed calls from Niall, One from Liam and three from the certain number that he keeps on deleting but it always shows up. Like it belonged there.

His surroundings are lit by the dashing neon lights of the clubs and pubs, shining on the wet pavement. 

Harry’s mind is in a blur with endless thoughts.

He has to find Louis.

He cannot go back without Louis. He can’t let him feel that he’s alone in this, because no- Harry is with him. Harry feels for him. Harry knows what he feels. That’s why Harry is willing to follow Louis.

The time paced slowly after an hour and by a few. The night is definitely foggy and chilly. Harry hugged his arms tightly, slightly looking again at the sky.

”Harry.”

Harry lowers his gaze and finds Zayn, staring at him, with a weird look on his face. 

“You found me.” Harry states.

Zayn nods and moves toward his place. “I figured you’d be walking around and try to look for him.”

Harry keeps his eyes on Zayn.

”Do you have any idea where he went?”

Zayn shifts, he caresses his thumb across his lower lip, thinking thoroughly.

”Have you checked the Park?”

Harry nods. “I already did. I strolled around the restaurants but couldn’t see him too.”

”He has no money with him.” Zayn announces, voice lingering with worry.

Harry quickly turns to him. “What? Does he have his phone?”

”He brought it with him.” Zayn tells him. “Let’s go check his apartment.”

”He might be there?”

Zayn bites his lip. “Maybe. There are too much stuff in there. And he told me he wanted to keep it.”

”Does he even remembers the address?” Harry frowns, tilting his head to take a look at Zayn.

Zayn freezes. He screeches, “No. Fuck. He doesn’t. I just asked him about it he wants to keep the unit. But no.. I never told him the place.”

Harry instantly feel his head starts spinning around, making him dizzy, thoughts about Louis scattered around his brain.

”Zayn, what the heck? Where he could possibly go?!” Harry looked alarmed.

Zayn stammers, “I don’t have any clue! We weren’t in talking terms when he moved here in London. I didn’t even know he moved here!” 

Harry’s pulse quickens, as he shut his eyes in total frustration. 

Where could Louis possibly go? He has amnesia and he doesn’t remember places around the city. He might get lost. He might be really literally lost.

”This is terrible. This is really terrible.” Harry presses his hand against his forehead, completely aware of the headache kicking in.

Zayn searches for his phone and he quietly calls someone.

”Hello? Liam.”

Harry glanced at him.

”Is Louis there?” Zayn asked, his face turns into beet red.

”No? Fine. Let me know if Louis comes home.” Zayn said. “Yes. He’s here with me.”

”He’s been helping me about Louis. Okay. Thanks, that’s great. Love you.”

Harry throws Zayn a look.

”What?” He mouths.

After a few exchange, Zayn finally turned off his phone.

”What the hell was that?” Harry saunters.

Zayn shot him a weird face. “What?”

”You and Liam? Really?” 

Harry couldn’t believe it. Zayn and Liam are probably in a relationship and he doesn’t even know.

”Two months ago. We wanted to keep it first because we know you’d flip.” Zayn confirms.

Harry gritted his teeth. “Of course, I would flip! My best mates won’t even care to tell me that they have fallen in love with each other? Seriously, Zayn. Am I really a friend?”

Zayn shakes his head and pats Harry on his back. “Get over it. We have to find Louis.”

Right. Louis.

They need to find him.

Harry heaved a sigh of exhaustion. He’s getting tired because he’s been walking around in circles for hours, yet he couldn’t find Louis. It’s like Louis is hiding from him. No, scratch that- Louis is reallt hiding. 

They both looked around for hours.

Zayn and Harry didn’t mind the coldness hitting past on their skin and the weird looks that has been thrown to them by other people. They have been going around in the same place and still there is no sign of Louis.

Harry moves at a slow pace by lifting and setting down each foot in turn, never having both feet off the ground because he has to stretch them or else he wouldn’t be able to walk anymore due to the numbing pain seething through his legs. 

Zayn finally pauses, turning to face a deep in thought Harry trailing just right behind him.

”Harry.”

Harry looks up. “Why? Have you seen Louis?”

Zayn breathed a sigh. “We’re looking around for hours. Aren’t you tired?”

Harry shoots him a glare.

”What? no. I won’t head home unless I find Louis.”

”Harry, you don’t have to do this—“

”I have to, Zayn. I have to.” Harry meekly replies.

Zayn frowns at him. 

“What’s up with you? You said you can see yourself in him. But I’ve known you both for years and there’s nothing common I could see between the two of you.” 

Harry looks away, his heart stretching tight and his legs oozing with pain.

”I’m gonna look for him. You can go home.” He tell Zayn without looking at him at all.

Zayn grabs his arm. “Come on, Harry. it’s fucking freezing. Do you wanna get sick?”

”Just leave, Zayn. I can do this alone. I’ll be fine.” 

Zayn meets his gaze. “I have to head back because I have an early exam tomorrow.”

Harry bites his lip, preventing himself from chattering his teeth. It was cold. It really is. And he’s freezing but he won’t mind that unless he can know that Louis is found.

”I don’t know what came to you, mate. I thought you were just being polite about Louis. But you really do care.”

Harry stands still. He doesn’t want to talk.

And so Zayn continues. “I’m fucking shocked to see you like this. I just hope whatever you’re planning and what you told me that you’d be there for him, won’t make you lose yourself alright? I know Louis. I’m his bestfriend. But sometimes, we can only do so much.”

”You’re worried yet you can go home and sleep without him at your sight.” Harry points out.

Zayn smiles. “Because I know him. It’s just this time, he has amnesia. I mean it when I said he’s my responsibility. But I can’t help him if he doesn’t want me to.”

Harry stares at the ground, his eyes dilating because of the tiredness creeping inside his body.

”He needs someone, Zayn. Everybody does.” He quietly said.

”I’m glad you also care about him.” Zayn finally says.

”He never let me in. There are things that I don’t know about him but he tells me that I’m his bestfriend. But somehow, I can feel it’s not like that.” Zayn kicks a pebble near his foot. He has this hollow look on his face. He looked upset. “He only lets other people in his life when he wants them to. But with me, I guess he never want me to.”

”That’s why I keep on telling you to let him look for himself.” 

Harry peers at Zayn. He inhales and clenches his fist. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

Zayn smiles a little and he patted Harry on his shoulder this time.

”It’s okay. I know you’re going to be there for him even if you only knew him not long enough. I really do wish he lets you in.” 

He left shortly after that. Harry was left all alone, confused and feeling all things at once, skylight falling over his head as it lingers too on his skin.

He didn’t stop walking. He was feeling famished and his stomach is already hurling but he ignored it. He doesn’t want any distractions.

He searched in every courtyard, lawn, pubs, stores and playgrounds- hoping to finally see him.

Harry spent the whole night, wandering around the streets, searching for the sea blue green eyes who captivated him. 

But he never found him.

Hours before the dawn-light brings the colours back to the streets, Harry finally finds himself too exhausted and beat to even walk. 

He sits on the gutter of the sidewalk, immensely coughing because of the coldness he’s been around all night. He could feel his stomach turning upside down.

He couldn’t even barely move his legs. He was too numb. And tired. Just tired.

It hurts him to admit, but looks like Zayn was right. Louis doesn’t want to be found. For all he knows, he could have been asleep somewhere else. And that results Harry to make his blood boil. 

A ring interrupts him. It was from his phone.

He pulls out his phone from his pocket, blinking twice before his mind can register who is calling him.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

”Hey.” He greets. “Can you pick me up?”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to you.

**V**

 

And so Niall picked him up.

 

Harry slumped on Niall’s passenger seat, feeling nauseous and his eyes shut closed firmly. He couldn’t feel his legs and toes as well his arms starts to swell because of the cold freezing seethed through his body.

Harry was feeling sick, disappointed, upset and mostly empty. Zayn was right, Zayn did his best to warn him. But he was too stubborn to even listen to him. He was too determined to help Louis and now he’s feeling disappointed because he was defeated.

He never found Louis. And he used all his strength to go look all over the city for that one particular lost boy. 

But like what Zayn has said, Louis doesn’t want to be found. Harry learned that in a hard way.

He wants to smack himself for not listening to Zayn. Because after being outside all night, clueless and hungry, he searched everywhere yet Louis wasn’t nowhere in sight. It did taught him a lesson, but Harry couldn’t properly think now. Not now, not right now when he’s absolutely feeling ill and just want to lie down on his bed and not on the floor this time. If he’s ready, if that.

Niall throws him a side glance, totally growing worried each minute. Harry isn’t speaking at all even when Niall pulled out his car in front of a tired looking Harry sitting on the gutter, not even bothering to sit on the bench that’s just meters away from him. Niall knew something is definitely wrong. Harry didn’t came home last night and it wasn’t like him to do that. And it totally confuses him why the hell Harry is so concerned with a person he barely knows. 

“Mate, why the fuck you stayed outside all night?” Niall growls, his eyes focused intently on the road ahead of them.

Harry stirs, his hand covering his eyes while leaned back on the backrest adjusted all the way down. 

“Harry..” Niall presses. He can’t shut up and just stay quiet for the rest of the ride while Harry is obviously onto something. Niall never shuts up, and his friends know that. So he won’t stop unless Harry tells him what’s wrong.

Harry groans, still not answering or even speaking.

Niall sighs as he takes a swerve on the road. 

“Zayn was so anxious last night. He had to stay on the couch just to wait for Louis to come back.” Niall says, in no one in particular. Slightly hoping that he would catch Harry’s attention somehow. 

And that’s all it takes for Harry to finally sit up and look at Niall. 

“What? He didn’t sleep?” Harry frowns at Niall, who’s eyes are too focused. 

Harry bites his lip, ignoring the throbbing sensation pouding inside his head. 

“He definitely didn’t,” Niall nods. “He keeps on calling Louis’ number, but there was no answer. It’s going straight to voicemail.” Harry didn’t react. He just keep on looking at Niall, with his face impassive. Niall glances at him, “Zayn had to sit on the couch and wait for him. Liam slept on the couch for him to accompany Zayn.” 

Harry couldn’t say anything. In fact, he’s too exasperated to even talk. All he wants is to sleep and never think.

But Louis.

Louis who successfully disappeared for hours and never had to think that someone might’ve gone sick just to look for him. Harry can feel his stomach flipping so he leans back again, breaking away from Niall.

Harry knows he promised that he’ll help Louis whatever it takes. But he cannot do it now. Not when it’s slapping him hard that Louis is the kind of person who can be just gone, and never look back.

It really takes a toll on him.

”Zayn has exams and when you called me he’s already gone. Liam got mad because Zayn didn’t catch any sleep or even had the chance to review.” Niall glances again at him.

But Harry opted not to say anything. He’s tired and sick. Can someone give him a little bit of credit?

When they arrived at their flat, Niall had to hold Harry by his waist to steady him to be able to walk inside. The icy numbing weather hasn’t changed a bit. And that only worsened Harry’s ill feeling.

They entered the flat, gleamed with spotless silence and a small lampshade on the coffee table lighting up the room, almost but still dark.

A nauseous glazed Harry stops and rests his arm on Niall’s. “Mate, let me go to my room. I want to sleep.”

Niall shot him a concerned face. “Haz, you have to drink meds. I’ll give them to you while you settle in your room.”

Harry can only nod.

Niall guides him until he’s left alone on his doorway, Harry grabs the doorknob and when he opens it, he’s been greeted by his empty quiet space.

He went inside and closed the door quietly behind him. He glances at his sturdy vintage brown bed. A sharp pain shoots inside his chest.

He clutches his chest and he breathes a heavy sigh. He leans on the old boards behind him, they felt thin and veined, complete frozen too. The bed is made and not a single wrinkle in sight. He hasn’t been sleeping on his bed for a month and whenever he remembers the reason why, it makes his heart crumple in pain. 

The coldness moves around him only to meet the warm breathing of him, Harry can feel as it wash over his skin, again and again, only to be met by the beat of his racing heart, again and again. The truth is, as hard as it is, he keeps on thinking back about Louis. Is he okay? Is he feeling better? Does he even ate already? Where is he? And for Harry, the most important question is- who is he with? And why did he want to disappear.

Harry wishes he knew the answer to the questions swirling around his head.

But again, as if something hits him, he remembers that he’s ill. And cold. Because of Louis.

Harry sighs. He stares at the bed with a long hard gaze. 

Without any hesitation, he grabbed the worn out shaggy blue mattress and dumps it on the floor. He retrieves a pillow from his bed and a blanket.

He removes his shoes and strips into his boxers and swiftly grabs a clean shirt neatly folded on the top of his dresser. 

Once his dressed in a new fresh set of clothes, he falls on the mattress on the floor and buried the back of his head on the pillow, staring back at the beige blank ceiling.

Blank.

Like his mind and his emotions.

It’s all complicated and he doesn’t know where to even start.

There are panicked thoughts flooded inside his head. He’s seriously worried for  someone who he doesn’t quite know yet.

And he doesn’t know what the hell is up with him. He just feels for Louis. That’s all. 

The door flies open, as Niall walks in, eyes widening at Harry.

”Harry! Get up!” Niall stares at him with shock.

Harry quirks his brow.

”Why are you not on your bed? What’s with you and your bed and you haven’t slept on it?”

Harry sighs. He knows the answer but he won’t tell Niall that.

Niall bends his knees to level on Harry’s position on the floor. He hands him a glass of water and couple of pills.

”What’s this?” Harry glances at him.

”Meds, duh.” Niall rolls his eyes. “Come on, Haz. Drink it. You look like shit.”

Harry’s hand flies on his face, groping it as if checking what’s Niall talking about.

”I mean, you look sick. And pale.” Niall sighs.

Harry squints at him. He hesitantly reaches for the glass of water and drank it in one chug.

”There,” Niall retrieves the glass. He tosses a hand towel on Harry and a box of tissue. “Don’t you want something to eat?”

”No,” Harry shakes his head. “Thanks for this, Niall.”

Niall sits on the floor, across Harry. His eyes studying him. “What’s up with you?”

Here we go again, Harry says to himself.

”I can see myself in him, I’m worried. That’s all.” Harry tells him, looking away. 

“This isn’t the first time I saw you cared. But this is a whole different level. You barely know him yet you act like you’re in love—“

Harry shot him a horrified look. “God, no. Niall! I’m not in love. Jesus christ. That’s impossible.”

”Well you act like it,” Niall shrugs.

Harry didn’t reply. He just went back staring at the blank ceiling.

”You’re fucking in love you twat.” Niall says, it’s not a question. It was a statement.

Harry scowled at him. “I’m not in love, Niall. You can’t be in love with someone you just met.”

But you can connect with them. You can feel like you’ve known them for a long time and care for them. A voice inside his head whispers. Harry pushes it away.

”Oh, well.” Niall says, standing up. “I’m off to class. I’m gonna tell Liam to cook something for you. He’s home by lunch. Will you be alright here?”

Harry nods, glancing at Niall.

”I will be, thanks.”

”Just.. call us if you need anything. Don’t do anything stupid.” Niall pauses. “Oh, wait. You’re already being stupid by not resting on your own fucking bed.”

Harry rolls his eyes. “You son of a bitch, get out of my room.”

”Wow, thanks.” Niall mutters. “I appreciate the care, Niall. You could’ve said that instead of swearing on me.” His voice in a mocking tone.

”Just.. leave. Goodness. You’re making my head hurt more.”

Niall chuckles. “You sure your head only hurts, eh? Not even your heart?”

Harry shoots him a death glare and tosses a used dirty shirt on him. “Fuck off,”

”Christ! Dude. Don’t.” Niall shivers, shielding his face with his arm, the shirt falls on the floor. He turns his back around and shuts the door closed.

”Thanks, Niall!” Harry loudly said.

But the door is already closed and he’s sure that Niall won’t even hear him anymore. He just sighs, realizing he’s left alone inside their flat.

Harry tries his best to close his eyes and let himself sleep. But for some reason, he couldn’t do it. He’s going on and on over again about Louis’ whereabouts. 

Hours and hours passed, Harry watched as the sky still darkened outside due to the terrible weather. He’s just there, laying down awake and unable to move. Or maybe he doesn’t want to. There is no in between.

He just feels so tired. And he cannot stress that enough. 

Tired, clouded, tired. 

He feels like he’s only been repeating his self.

And then without him even noticing, he slowly falls asleep, his thought scattered with the thought of a particular person with deep captivating lost sea blue green eyes. 

***

_The world looks almost fake sometimes. Like the mountains and sky in the distance are a backdrop for a set. A green screen. Harry hates places like this. The whole place is screaming with blank nothing._

_And he doesn’t know why he feels like that. Odd._

_It almost feels like it isn’t even real._

_Harry breathes a mute sound of sigh. He doesn’t want to disappoint or even upset her. She’s usually upset and her thoughts are always messy. He couldn’t add up on the pressure she’s lifting by herself. No, that’s not entirely true. He’s been helping her lift all of it. And it’s tiring. Suffocating, even. But Harry can’t stop. Not when he promised her to be there._

_Harry can’t let her down._

_”Harold.”_

_Harry stands stiff, his hands on the shallow pocket of his coat._

_He glances at her, she’s been looking better today than every other day. She’s wearing a carnation pink dress, with sleeves long enough to keep her warm, and a denim jacket sequined with rainbow coloured beads on top. Her hair looks better too, the long wavy blonde locks tangled on a black bandana, with strands of hair being blown away by the cold rush wind._

_She almost looked like the first time when Harry saw her. When everything is at pace and normal._

_But Harry couldn’t help but still admire her astonishing features._

_”Yes, love? Do you wanna head down now?”_

_She smiles, showing her perfectly pearl white teeth. Harry stares at her._

_“No.” She couldn’t stop smiling. “I want to stay here. Forever. And ever!”_

_Harry couldn’t ask for more when he saw her smile. But there’s something prickling on his skin._

_”You know, we cannot do that.” Harry slowly tells her, cautious enough not to upset her._

_Harry would give everything to make her stay that way._

_She frowns, her pale skin glimmering against the setting sun. “But I want to. Everything is perfect here. Mountains. The blue sky. It’s all perfect.”_

_No, it’s not. It looks like fake. Harry wants to tell her. But he knows he can’t do that. It would send her to hell if he does that. So he keeps a straight face, pulling out his hand and reach for her._

_”Let’s go home, love?”_

_She’s still frowning, she briefly glanced on Harry’s hand in front of her and she blinks. “No. I don’t want. Harold, can we just stay here, please?”_

_Harry shifts his feet. “Love. We’ve been here for hours. Aren’t you freezing?”_

_She gritted her teeth. She looked away, breaking their gaze._

_Harry’s face falls, realizing just what happened. With his heart beating nervously, he takes a step forward._

_”Love. Come with me. Please?”_

_She looks straight at him. Her eyes totally unreadable._

_”You told me you’d be right beside me wherever I am.” Her voice cracks. Harry’s eyes widens. “But why do you wanna leave again?”_

_”Love, it’s nothing like that—“_

_”No! You want to leave me! You’re sick of me too! You’re just like them, Harold. You’re gonna break your—“_

_Harry catches her frail arm, holding onto it with a soft grasp. “Baby. Come here, come.” He pulls her close to his chest, embracing her._

_She sniffs as she buries her face on Harry’s neck._

_”Please, don’t leave me.” She pleads, her voice cracking and low._

_Strings tugged on Harry’s heart. He tightens his arms around her. He could smell the strawberry lemon scent against her hair. He looks at the sky, caressing his hand across her hair._

_”Stop crying, baby. I’m here.” He quietly replies._

 

***

“Is he asleep?” A muffled voice asked.

”Yeah, he is.” Another voice replies.

”Can we please wake him up already? I’m getting worried,” 

“Come here, babe. Stop worrying too much. He’s okay. Niall gave him medicine.”

”But that was ages ago!”

”Payno, you’re such a drama queen. It’s only yesterday.”

”Right,” A voice snarls. “As if it’s normal for a person to sleep for 24 hours fucking straight.”

Harry stirs. 

He could hear the shuffling and almost inaudible voices around him. So without hesitation, he slowly opens his eyes.

Harry blinks once, twice and thrice.

He can feel his back feels a lot better, as if he’s been lying down against a soft—

“Oh fuck!” Harry screams.

Three figures comes rushing inside his room, looking at Harry with their jaws widely hanging.

”Harry! Are you okay?!” Liam asks hurriedly.

Harry gropes his head. He glances around and finds himself sitting on top of his bed. His body went rigid.

On his bed.

On the bed.

On the same bed he didn’t want to sleep in.

Fuck.

Harry clutches his chest, almost out of breath.

”Harry? Are you fine? What’s the matter?” Zayn holds him, sitting right at the edge of Harry’s bed.

He could feel his skin itching and hot. He could feel his head spinning and spinninf and his fingers frozen like his body. His pulse rapidly vibrating against his wrist. 

”Why am.. I here?” He looked at them, with confusion in his eyes.

Niall and Liam exchanged glances. While Zayn is in front of him, with a deep frown spread across his face.

”Haz..” Zayn slowly says, pressing his soft hand on Harry’s leg. Harry stiffens again. “You’ve been sleeping on the floor. So we decided to—“

”You decided to what?!” Harry screeches, his eyes blazing with anger. “You decided to fucking carry me on put me on my bed, Zayn? Is that what it is?!”

Harry’s heart is beating erratically fast as if it could burst outside from his chest. His chest that keeps on breathing immensely deep leaving him quite breathless.

”Harry, don’t shout..” Niall quietly said.

”We were just concerned. We were about to bring you to the hospital because you keep on sweating so bad, Liam keeps on waking you up but you won’t,” Zayn tells him, his face still levelled at Harry’s.

Liam has a weird look on his face. “You’re  sweating so bad. Niall, get me a towel.”

Harry couldn’t comprehend anything that they’ve been talking about. He just feels so heavy and it’s like something is making him struggle to breathe.

He removes Zayn’s hand on his leg, and he quickly stands up, while quite stumbling, Liam catches his arm, making him pause.

”No, don’t.” Harry glares at him.

Zayn sighs. “Harry, look. Don’t be upset—“

”Fuck, Zayn. You were trying to help, I get it. But it didn’t helped me at all.” Harry’s voice is sharp and his eyes are totally glowering with anger.

He cannot believe that he slept on that bed for hours. He tried his best to avoid doing that, because it doesb’t do him any good. And now, it just happened.

It happened to him again.

And it’s scaring him that it might won’t go away again. Out of breath and a little bit shaking, Harry pulls away from Liam’s grasp and helps himself to get out of his room.

He couldn’t breathe there. He needs air. He needs to go outside, he needed to see something that could take him back to existence of substance that he needs, no, that he actually longs for.

Niall stops in front of him, towel in hand, looking at Harry with a scowl.

”What are you doing? Harry, you have to lay down.”

Harry shakes his head, feeling more feverish. His throat dry and raw.

”No.” Harry struggles to talk.

Niall steps forward but he stops when Zayn speaks from behind Harry.

”He needs air, Niall.” Zayn says. “Let him.”

Harry breathes a sigh of relief. 

His eyes passive and he can feel drops of sweat touching his skin, leaving him shivering.

He strides past Niall, with his feet shuffling and hitting each other because he can’t walk due to the wobbling of it.

Harry is limping towards the door when Louis shows up in front of him, emerging from Zayn’s bedroom.

Louis.

Louis.

Harry ogles at him.

”Louis.” Harry breathes, his eyes peering on the same eyes he remembers looking for.

Louis is standing across him, face impassive but his eyes, his eyes are showing confusion. 

”You look pale. And a mess.” Louis states.

Harry hitches a sharp breath. His breathing becomes rapid and slow again he couldn’t even keep up.

He clenched his fists on his side, forehead creased. “Not now. Fuck.”

Without any word coming from his mouth again, Harry saunters away from Louis, turning his back against him, leaving Louis with a dash of distress. 

”Harry!” Louis’ voice goes high, with a hint of worry.

But Harry needs more than worry. He needs something. He needs it now.

”Lou, let him..” Zayn stops Louis from following Harry.

”But—“

Zayn shot him a look. “Not now. Please.”

Harry didn’t hear them. He’s already out of the door. 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn’t know.

**VI**

 

Harry feels the heavy slump on his shoulders. His light-colored green eyes longingly fixed on the blue hazy sky surrounded with dusty clouds. Harry is in his shirt and boxers, barefooted. He didn’t mind going outside with his appearance. He doesn’t care.

His curly brown hair immensely pushed back off his face. He occasionally brushes his fingers along it, strays it away from his face. He wanted to look at the sky for a long time. It’s like he could  _finally_ breathe, without the rock right in the pit of his stomach.

The unwelcoming glacial wind blows against his skin, sending shivers through his whole body. He embraces himself while his knees curled up and close to his chest. 

He didn’t even look back. If one of the boys actually followed him. Well he doesn’t want to care. All he wants is to breathe, after that disdainful nightmare he had.

Or is it even a nightmare?

Harry pushes it at the back of his mind. 

As like before, the nightmare feels the same; paralyzing, naked and cold. But the scenes weren’t repeated. It’s always new ones making him feel raw and vulnerable again.

He blinks, under his clouded eyes, hoping to seek for answers but never finds one. It’s always been there, at the back of his mind, penetrating slowly and deeply until he’s out of his mind. 

Harry is tired of feeling that hollow recongnizable pain. He knows what’s happening to him. But he made peace with it and he doesn’t want to lure himself back in that hole again. Not anymore when he’s finally getting better than before. 

Behind Harry’s back, Louis stares at him from afar, watching him as he just sat there, outside in the cold, completely unfazed.

Louis pursed his lips. He has seen the unfamiliar ghostly shade in Harry’s eyes that he never saw before. It looked like the Harry in front of him earlier is his own version he was running away from.

Louis hates to admit it, but for a split second by staring at Harry’s eyes, he could see his own reflection at him. It’s like a full length mirror shadowing his whole soul.

It almost feels surreal. To be able to see himself, his broken wounded self on someone like Harry- a person who showed him nothing but consideration and kindess.

And oh, God. Harry is _absolutely the perfect exquisite definition of a good person._

Louis almost feels bad for leaving Harry last night on the Park, almost but not quite. Louis needed to get away. Everything around him felt overwhelming and the way his brain reacted on that certain song, it puzzles him. He cannot even understand himself.

So, he left. He decided to leave Harry, without turning back because if he did- he won’t be able to walk away.

Louis went to the last person he expected to seek help for.

And it all went good. Quite good.

For him, he thinks.

_”Louis.”_

_Louis stands across her, eyes almost agitated. He doesn’t even know what he’s doing here. But he cannot go back now. Not when he feels utterly guilty for leaving Harry. Harry who have shown him nothing but his true self. Louis is grateful, really. But he can’t be there, he can’t stand beside Harry and listen to music and pretend everything is absolutely fine because it is not._

_And Louis is frightened because he can feel it in his veins that things may not go back the way it was._

_”Lou, does Zayn knows you’re here?” Eleanor asks, her mouth agape._

_She’s standing on the edge of her front door, obviously bewildered._

_Heart beating wildly, Louis manages to smile._

_”I don’t know, honestly.” Louis tells her._

_Eleanor’s mouth twitches. “Zayn will kill me if he knows you’re here.”_

_”Look,” Louis gulps, nervously. “I don’t why I’m here either, but it feels quite right. And besides, you are my girlfriend. You know me better than anyone else.”_

_Louis is so scared when he decided he wants to see Eleanor. When he walked away from Harry, he used the payphone right in a phone booth across the street. With his fingers trembling, he pushes each button to call the hospital he’s been admitted. He called to ask for Eleanor’s address. And they gave it to him._

_That’s why he’s standing in front of her, completely and utterly disoriented with his heart pounding panicky._

_Eleanor breathed. She looked shocked. “Am I still your girlfriend?”_

_Louis gapes at her. When he said the word itself it didn’t feel strange, it’s like he’s just saying a normal word. But when Eleanor does, it sends Louis shivers._

_He almost steps back._

_But there’s this hollow strange feeling on his chest banging on him and pushes him to come inside and talk to her._

_And so that’s what Louis did._

_He spent the night in Eleanor’s apartment, trying to feel her, trying to get to know who was Louis William Tomlinson before the accident happened._

 

***

“Do you want to talk to him?” Zayn steps forward beside Louis. They are now both watching Harry from the window.

Louis bites his lip. “Why would I?”

Silence.

Louis turns his face to Zayn, to check if he’s still there because he wasn’t talking. But he was there, staring mindlessly at Harry too.

Louis mulls over the fact that Harry can sit right outside, under the darkish clouds while the cold breeze blowing against him.

”Because he was sick because of you, Lou.” Zayn tells him, causing Louis to clench his jaw and face Zayn with a puzzled look.

”What?” Louis asks, almost afraid.

Zayn sighed. “He did. He did look for you all night. He didn’t come home. He was too persistent to find you. I told him, I told him that I know you. That ever since we were kids, you were always disappearing for awhile but you’ll turn out fine anyway. But he doesn’t know you that much, so he grew worried. He spent the night, freezing to death.”

Louis frowns at him, he can’t believe it. Harry did look for him. Harry definitely did. And he wasn’t even aware of it. He chose to be selfish and to seek answers not knowing he got Harry worried.

He spent the night outside, freezing. Louis’ heart clenches.

He feels bad. He feels utterly terrible. Why was he even so selfish?

Right. Because he wanted to find the answers so that he could calm down.

And Eleanor did a great job with that.

But right now, standing inside the flat, looking out the window at Harry, Louis could only feel his chest heavily rising. He didn’t know that Harry cares.

Louis glances at Zayn briefly.

”Are you trying to guilt trip me?”

Zayn laughs, sounding like a snort. “No, dumbass. Just.. just talk to him. I feel like you really need to because he cares for you even if he didn’t know you that well. You at least owe him that,” 

Louis fell silent. Now, he wants to go outside and talk to Harry.

”Harry’s really great,” Louis finds himself saying.

Zayn’s mouth curls up.

”He is, he totally is.” 

Louis opens his mouth to say something but Liam enters the living room.

”Hey, lads. I prepared some lunch for us. Can any of you call Harry? I’m worried sick about him.” Liam says.

Zayn and Louis faces him, both looking at him. Zayn nods at Liam.

”Thanks, babe.” And then he nodded at Louis, nudging his arm towards Louis’ rib. “Go on, talk to him.”

Louis felt as his chest and throat tightens the same time.

Liam looks over at him, “Please, do that. He needs it.”

Louis sighs and rolls his eyes at Zayn and Liam. “Fine. I have no choice right, eh?”

Zayn smirks.

He turns around, facing the window again. Louis wants to approach him, he really does. But now that he’s aware how Harry looked for him the other night even if it isn’t his responsibility, Louis can’t stop himself from feeling guilty.

He didn’t know that seeking for answers would cause him to hurt someone unintentionally. And of all people, it affected Harry. Harry who only knew him for a while. Harry who have been nothing but kind to him and generous. Harry who have made him listen again to music, that certain music holds so much now for Louis. 

Come as you are. That was the title of the Nirvana song he never listened to before, but he’s aware of it. But when Harry made him listen to it, it made all the difference in him. He even asked Eleanor if he was a fan of the band, and surprisingly, Eleanor gushed about Louis used to sang inside different pubs just for the fun of it. While Eleanor was telling him about it, Louis felt like it was really something that he would actually do. And that’s why he trusts Eleanor even more now. 

But even though it felt good for Louis, he cannot wash away the shooting distracting pain in his head when the next song played. Harry told him what the title was, and Louis asked Eleanor about it. But Eleanor looked lost at that certain moment. She didn’t know that Louis even knows that song, and it confused him.

Louis walks slowly, almost afraid to even take a step outside. And when he stepped on the slippery wet pavement, the guilt sat on his chest. What he had done is something that he can’t undo. He wanted to look for answers that’s why he acted quickly.

He knows he better approach Harry and make amends for what he had done. The harsh rigid wind brushes against Louis’ face and skin. Thank heavens, he’s wearing a thick jumper.

He strides across the lawn towards Harry, he’s still has his back in front Louis. Louis isn’t even sure if Harry is aware that Louis is on his way to him. 

Louis closed the distance between him and Harry and hovered to his side, coughing slightly.

”Harry.”

Harry stiffened, upon hearing Louis’ voice. He doesn’t even want to talk to anyone but he can’t be rude.

Not to anyone. Not to Louis.

Louis.

Harry slowly looks up, his eyes locked on Louis’. Harry feels a strange ablaze feeling on his chest.

”Why?” Harry utters, voice low and raspy.

Louis pointed at the ground beside Harry. “Can I?”

Harry nods.

For awhile after Louis sat on beside Harry, they were both not speaking and engulfed in a tight silence. Only the whispers of the wind can be heard. 

Harry looks down on the spacious lawn, that has thick moistened sharp grasses. He doesn’t know what to say. He isn’t even sure if it was the right thing to sit beside Louis and act like they should talk about something.

But there is.

He knows there is.

Because Louis won’t approach him if there’s nothing to talk about.

One second passed. Two seconds passed. Three seconds passed. Silence was already eating Harry away. A fire burned in his mind and throat. But even if his eyes are staring at a distance, he can feel Louis’ eyes shooting daggers on him, unable to speak too.

But there is one thing that Harry notices. The heavy slump on his shoulders were now gone, at long last. Finally.

Harry breathes a sigh of relief.

It’s like its the substance of freedom he wanted to feel after waking up from that nightmare.

But before Harry could even speak, Louis alreadt beat him into it.

”Liam prepared lunch. Do you wanna eat now?” Louis’ voice is slow and careful.

Harry licks his lips, and faces Louis.

”Really, now? Did he made some pasta or what?” 

Harry’s tone is light. He didn’t want to make the situation more unbearable. If anything, Harry doesn’t want to drag the already lost and damaged Louis to his own tangled mess. 

After all, they all have their own demos to fight with.

But Harry pushes it away from him, consuming his strength and will to never look at it again or else he would lure himself back.

Harry doesn’t even starts to make sense. He couldn’t comprehend his own thoughts. 

“Of all things, why pasta?” Louis asked.

Harry mindlessly pulled the grass by his fingers, distracting his self. He pouts, “It’s the only food Liam can cook.”

Harry’s mind starts to flash back to the times that Niall and Harry keeps on teasing Liam for only knowing one food to cook. Liam defensively argues with them, and Zayn would just snort whenever Niall could come up with some nasty comment to retort. Leaving them all in the fits of laughter.

”Right,” Louis replies, eyes never leaving Harry’s side profile. Harry is still tugging the grass with his frozen fingers.

”I remember that time when Niall went home, feeling so upset because he failed his class. So he finished the food that Liam cooked for us, he was so angry at Niall.” Harry chuckles, “Liam was such in a foul mood because I left the shower faucet running for hours—“

”Did you forget?” Louis gapes at him, feeling a bit lighter.

Harry nods, pressing his lips together. “I was washing my clothes, okay?”

”You don’t bring them to the laundry?” 

Harry shakes his head down. “No. I got into a fight once with the owner because they didn’t wash my clothes properly. So I resided to wash my own.” 

“Zayn told me I was picky with clothes.” Louis states. Harry’s eyes are now on him. “He told me this story from when we were teenagers, that I would spend hours in clothing stores leaving him so bored that he would snap at me.”

”Typical of Zayn,” Harry laughs.

Harry is now staring back at Louis as he speaks, he noticed how his mouth twitches upward whenever he tells Harry something quite funny, attempting not to laugh and ruin his story. Harry finds him amusing on how he talks. How his hands fidgets and shuffle along with his words and how the sun is reflecting on Louis’ face, causing his eyes to glisten whenever he widens it to prove a point while talking.

He feels quite a bit guilty because he wasn’t really paying attention because Louis’ words only comes in and out of his ears. But it was like a music to Harry’s ears. The voice of Louis surprisingly calming his tensed shoulder and nerves.

”But when I reacted, because I think, I just think that I wasn’t anything like that before, Zayn smacks my arm and started calling me idiot.” Louis talks with animation in his voice. He sounded almost cheerful.

Harry smiles to himself.

”He told me he was always calling me that. Then he said, he misses that side of me. And I actually do.” Louis slowly says, his gaze locking on Harry.

Harry suddenly feels the mood as it shifted.

”I miss it too, you know?” 

Harry clasped his hands, hugging his knees even closer. “You’ll get better, Louis.”

For a moment, there was a glint of remorse in his eyes. “It may take a long time.”

Harry deepens his frown.

”You don’t know that.” 

Louis sighed. “And how would you know that I’ll get better?”

Harry stares at him for a moment. He wants to tell Louis that everyone overcomes the obstacles in ther lives, whether it may seem impossible at a certain moment, but everything gets better. It always does. That’s what keeps Harry going. He just optimistically thinks that everything happens for a reason. 

Even if sometimes, it doesn’t make sense anymore. 

Harry swallows, his mouth pursing. 

“I just know it. You have to believe in yourself, Louis.”

Louis narrows his eyes, intently looking at Harry. “I don’t even know who am I.”

Harry grins, “I know what it feels like.”

Louis falls quiet. He doesn’t know what to say next. But he knows he needs to apologize to him for making him sick.

”I’m sorry, Harry.” Louis mumbles.

Harry swiftly looked at Louis, almost breaking his neck.

He wasn’t expecting that.

He shrugs. “It’s alright. You don—“

”I won’t do it again. That was really selfish of me.” Louis cuts him off.

”Zayn was so worried,” Harry tells him instead.

Louis shifts on his seat, smiling a bit.

”I know, that’s why I’m saying sorry to you too.” Louis said. “Look at you, all sick and that. Puffy red nose just like Rudolf.”

Harry shot him a horrified look. “What? No!”

Louis giggles, putting his palm over his mouth. “You really look like him.”

Harry pulls away for a bit, glaring at Louis. “Didn’t you just said sorry to me? I would appreciate the apology if you hadn’t call me that,”

He watches how Louis’ face glows as he bursted into a loud laugh, causing Harry to laugh too.

Little they both know, they were laughing hysterically over something that isn’t really funny. And Niall is shooting daggers at them through the window.

”Fucking nuts, they’re laughing like crazy kids.” Niall hisses, as he watched Harry and Louis from the windowsill.

Liam guffaws, “Niall! Finish your food here and don’t mind them.”

Zayn is sitting beside Liam and they’re all eating their lunch. But Niall has other plans instead of eating. He brought his plate and started eating while standing and watching Harry and Louis outside like a hawk.

”I’m watching them!” Niall says in a muffled voice, his mouth full of food.

Liam purses his lips. “Niall. Get your ass over here.”

Zayn fiddled with his fork on his plate. “This is so unreal.”

”Right,” Niall nods, his eyes still watching them from afar. “But you have to admit, they kinda look good together.”

Liam quirks his brow. “Really, now?”

Zayn stiffens on his chair, looking back and forth between Niall and Liam. “I don’t think Louis would see Harry in that way, though.”

Niall peels his eyes away from the window, mouth widens. “Why would you say that?”

Liam stares at Zayn too, frowning.

Zayn breaks the silence after being lost in his thoughts.

”Louis doesn’t know what love is.” He answers.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Photograph.

**VII**

 

A small black sign reading P-1 indicated that Harry was at the right place. He walked into the classroom and took his usual seat in the back. The classroom was wide that amplified the professor’s voice in order to reach the entire room. Along each row were dozens of small, wooden desk with stools. 

Harry’s observant eyes move past across the walls, that has the usual diagrams, posters, and landscape pictures that the professor liked to display to liven up the room and show off the works of his students. The air smelled familiar to him, oozing inside his nostrils as he’s always been here. Harry loved photography. No, it wasn’t love- it was adoration and worship. He feels connected to it. So he decided to take up Photography for College. And it didn’t disappoint him.

Harry is wearing a skin-tight black jeans and a black tee shirt topped with his worn out green sweatshirt. This is his usual attire when he goes to his classes. He never really like to dress up because he only wanted to learn. And to take pictures. But mostly to show off how good he is at it. 

He settles on his stool, his eyes roaming around the room- hoping to catch someone else that he’s friends with. Harry is indeed friendly. But sometimes, it makes him uncomfortable whenever he talks to some of them, because most of them has a crazy crush on him. Harry wouldn’t want to identify them as that, but their obvious movements towards him gave it all away ever since the term started. He just keeps a straight friendly smile on his face, being polite to everyone. But he usually just talks to a few classmates. 

And most of them are working already so whenever they’re not around, Harry is left all alone at the back of the room, gliding his pencil on his teeth as he listens to his professor.

As he stares down at the gigantic screen along side with the whiteboard, where his professor usually shows them the PowerPoint slides they needed for their lessons, he couldn’t help but think about Louis again.

It’s been two days since Louis apologized to him and it’s been already two days ever since he dreamed again. He never slept again on his bed, too afraid the dreams or nightmares may come back and haunt him again. Although Harry knows that it will never go away.

Louis and Harry talked a bit and joked around the flat whenever they cross paths. But Louis was too busy going in and out to have his head checked by his doctor. Zayn and Liam accompanies him every single time. One time, Niall joked around that Louis is like Zayn and Liam’s child. Everyone was laughing until Zayn smacks Niall’s head hard. And that shut him up. Harry couldn’t forget that time because it was the first time he saw Louis a little bit more relaxed than the previous days.

And much to his delight, Harry actually started feeling okay again after that talk with Louis. Harry asked him where did he went that night he was missing, but Louis offered a smile, obviously didn’t want to answer Harry’s question at all. Harry’s skin prickled and his mouth twitched so hard that he wanted to pry more, because he had gone worried that it made him sick, but right before Harry can say anything, the rain started to fall causing Harry and Louis to sprint across the lawn and rush inside the flat. 

And that was the end of it. They haven’t really talked much after that. Sure, they greet and joke around but that was really it. Harry doesn’t have time to hang anyway. He needs to attend his classes because he skipped two days of it because of Louis. But he didn’t tell Louis that. It would only make Louis feel bad again. Harry doesn’t want that for him.

By the time that their professor walked inside their class, right on the clock, a familiar girl with short dark brown hair sprints across the room and sat next to Harry. She’s out of breath and looking weirdly at Harry.

Harry stifles a smile and glances at his wristwatch. “Right on time,”

”Oh, give me break!” She mutters, carefully resting her cup of coffee on the desk. “I had to fucking run and pray that my americano won’t spill.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Tay.” Harry shakes his head at her.

Taylor, Taylor Swift- Harry’s only girl friend in his class that doesn’t like him romantically at least. They’ve known each other since their freshman days. And they met at a coffee shop where Harry likes to buy his caffeine run.

”I had a terrible night, Harry! I deserve to complain and—“

She was cut off by their professor’s voice.

”Class, I’m gonna give you ten minutes to finish your editing of the nature of your choice.” 

And everyone started whispering and reaching for their cameras and laptops. 

Taylor and Harry both exchanged a look.

Harry watches her as she hurriedly rummage inside ber backpack. 

“Fuck shit,” She cursed, loud enough to cause some of the people in front to shoot irritated look on their way.

Harry raises his brow. “What happened?”

Taylor slaps her forehead with such force, sighing heavily. “I fucking forgot my laptop, Harry. That’s what!”

Harry gapes at her.

”How could you forget that, Taylor? It’s the most important essential we need in our degree!” Harry exclaims. 

Harry takes his studies seriously that’s why whenever he has class, he usually fux his things the night before to avoid situations like this. He can see the annoyed look on his friend.

”It slipped out of my mind,” Taylor sighs again. “It’s been really a busy night at the hospital lately, so I’ve been helping out some friends out with extra shifts. I haven’t even had a decent sleep! Oh goodness,”

Harry patted her shoulder. “I feel for you. I’ve been busy too.”

”But you actually brought you laptop and camera with you. Don’t try to lift my spirits up, Styles.” She rolled her eyes.

Harry laughed. “You can use mine. I’ve already finished mine anyway.”

Taylor shots him a sharp glance. “Thought you were busy too?”

”You know me, Swift. The moment Mr. Baxter informed us about it, my hands are already fiddling with my camera.” Harry sheepishly grinned at her.

”Ugh,” She mutters. “Such a nerd.”

”Touché,” Harry winked.

***

After receiving a bunch of compliments from his professor, Harry is definitely in a good mood. As he walked down the hall, backpack slinging on his one shoulder and Taylor beside him, he couldn’t help but smile so wide it starts to hurt his cheeks.

”Oh, fuck,” Taylor cursed, throwing Harry a glance. “Stop smiling like an idiot, Styles.”

“I can’t help it, alright? I passed that son of a bitch’s project!” 

She just sipped her coffee slowly, already cold and tastes bland, watching Harry as he twirls around with a little dance movements as they walk in the halls of their building.

”People are glaring at you.” Taylor reminds him.

Harry halts and stops dancing, he faced Taylor with a huge smile spread across his face. He really couldn’t hide the joy seeping inside him. He kind of worked hard for that photo. He used his imagination to edit it and turn it into a more realistic one, because he hates picture or places that looks fake. He couldn’t describe how it looks like fake to him but he just knows.

“Come on, Styles. I wanna go home and lie on my bed.” She grabbed his arm and lead him on the way to the parking lot. 

Harry doesn’t have a car so he looks at her with a puzzled face.

”Why are you taking me here?” Harry asked. “I’m supposed to be in that way.”

Taylor smiles as she opens the door of her car. “Just fucking get in, douche. I’m gonna drive you home.”

Harry shrugs. “Oh, well. I appreciate your kindness and care for me even though you live across Newtown.” 

“Be thankful someone loves you enough to cross bridges just to make sure you’re safely home.” She tells him, as she enters inside.

Harry plopped down on the passenger seat and buckled his seatbelt.

”I’m so lucky you are my friend,” Harry smiled.

”Fucking cheesy as always.” 

The weather was cold and wet with a brisk of wind sweeping and blowing against their faces and skin. Harry begged her to let the windows down as they drove away.

Harry glances at the window, watching as the huge tress swung with the wind and the bright blue sky covered with clouds. Harry knows it is a good day. And he aced the project, he was such in a happy mood. 

He has this extraordinary and divine glow in his eyes whenever he talks about the pictures he have taken. He is in love with the pictures itself. It makes him feel free and creative. 

That’s why back inside his room, he has this massive box that consists of different collections of the pictures he have taken during his entire existence. 

It puts him in a good state whenever he tries to look at the pictures. That is why he decided that when he gets home, he will sort out his pictures.

”I can’t believe we have to pass another portfolio for this term.” Taylor scowls, her eyes focused on the road.

Harry removed his eyes on the window and starts to look at her. “The idea itself is making me excited,”

Taylor grumbles. “Of course you are. You love it.” She takes a quick turn and speak, “I don’t really like the idea.”

Harry shot her a death glare.

”Are you joking? It’s an amazing idea for our final portfolio! You see, my head is spinning around with ideas. Mr. Baxter told us to be more connected with this portfolio. So we should really dedicate our time with this.”

”You dumbass, I have a work. I have shifts and patients at the hospital. How can I work on that?”

Taylor is already working as a nurse in a hospital. She just enrolled again for Photography because she wanted to really take the course she desires. And she’s three years older than Harry.

Harry and Taylor’s friendship is quite great. They both trust each other and they tell things that they couldn’t tell anyone. 

Sometimes, it baffles Harry how a person like Taylor sticks with him. He knows he put her through so much but she stays still. That’s how Harry knew she’s a great friend for him.

Harry pursed his lips, scratching the back of his head. “Well, I could help you. But you know, you only have to represent yourself in those pictures you’ll take. It won’t be that hard, Swift.”

As Harry sits there, on Taylor’s car, Harry couldn’t help but feel immensely inspired for the work he’s going to do. There’s this familiar burning sensation inside his chest, blazing and motivates him at the moment. It was good for him. It was good because at least his mind is off somehwere else and not stuck on something that he dreads.

This is a good distraction for Harry. And he is really starting to feel good about it all.

Harry is in high spirits when Taylor pulls her car over right in front of Harry’s flat. She looks at him with a smile on her face.

”What?” Harry asked her, baffled.

”I like the way you’re in good state right now, Styles.” She said.

It sent shivers right at the back of his spine, causing memories to flash in and out in his mind. But Harry ignores it, clenching his jaw trying to stop him from remembering things he doesn’t want to.

He is in a good mood, why does everything always ruins it for him? 

Harry breathed. “I like it too.”

”Talk soon, alright?” 

Harry nods.

He walked out of the car, his backpack slinging on his shoulder. He waves curtly at Taylor who is looking at him right through the window of her car. 

“Bye!” She mouthed.

Harry smiled at her as she drove away, leaving Harry standing alone on the sidewalk. 

He walked inside the flat, switching the lights on as he takes a deep breath and stopped when he catches sight of the leftovers on the coffee table. He growls and sighs.

”Anybody home?” He shouts.

Nobody answered.

”Right,” Harry muttered under his breath as he picked up every leftover of food takeway on the table and tossed it right in a trash bin.

He cleaned the living room in a quick pace and he picks up his backpack again, sauntering towards his room.

Harry opened his door and walked in. He switches the light on, illuminating the whole room of his.

His eyes briefly glanced over the small landscape portraits hanging on his wall. It was all his shots. His work. It was his blood and sweat. He worked hard for it. 

Photography became an escape for him too, over the past years in his life. It helped him really know what he wanted to do. 

That’s why he has an quirky eye on things and places. 

He takes off his chelsea boots, and strips into his boxer and grabbed a clean shirt inside his dresser. As he walked around his room, his eyes catches the huge box that he used to store the pictures he have taken over the times.

Harry felt a smile playing on his lips. He crouches down and stares intently on the box in front of him.

He wanted to open it.

At least that’s what he thinks. If he’s going to move forward, he might as well get over it.

But deep inside his skin and bones, he knows it won’t go away that easily.

He takes a deep long breath before opening the box.

The box itself is rusty and old. It’s been ages since he opened this. 

A pile of different small shoeboxes awaits him as he opened it.

There are messy cursive handwriting scribbled with a black thick sharpie on each top of the small shoeboxes. It was the label, on each shoebox.

“I can do this,” He whispers to himself as he reached for a shoebox.

A scribbled label on top of it that reads,  _Places I’ve been._

Harry swallows, his adam’s apple wobbles up and down in his throat.

He removes the cover and he traces his fingers on the sharp edges of the neatly stacked pile of photos.

He takes them out and stare at each one of them as he shuffles one by one.

Canary Wharf.

Soho.

Kensington.

Camden Town. 

Westminster.

All of the shots of each places caused memories to erupt and ignire inside Harry’s mind. The feelings, faint laughter, clouds, blue spotless skies, wind blowing on his skin and face, fading smiles, all of them clouded his thoughts.

Harry puts them down at sits on the floor, his chest rapidly rising.

He can’t do it. He can’t even take a look on the places he’s been to because it brings him back to the darkest places inside his head.

And he couldn’t fucking breath.

It suffocates his lungs and chest. 

He tightly grasps his mouth, trying to exhale but it only sends sharp pain on his chest.

And then there it is..

A small picture scattered on top of the other stack of photos. 

He knows the view by heart.

Fingers and hand shaking tremendously, he stretches his arm and reached for the small picture on lying on the floor.

Once he gets his hand on it, he slowly peers his eyes on it.

Once that first tear broke free, the rest follower in an unbroken stream. He stares at the picture in a long hard cold gaze. 

He could feel fire igniting in his chest as his head spinning endlessly.

He blinks at the picture.

_”Could’ve been worse, right?”_

_Harry takes a step back and removes his camera away from his face. He formed a amused expression, his eyes observing her._

_She has her long blonde hair streaming behind her back, the red and black plaid pants and white satin button shirt looked so good on her. Harry couldn’t help but ogle._

_”Right.” He nods. Still in awe with her appearance but never did understand what she just said._

_”Harold...” She squeaked. “Don’t take pictures of me.”_

_”Why not?” Harry frowned._

_”I’m shy. And probably looked ugly.”_

_Harry laughed. “You’re never ugly right in my eyes.”_

_”Of course, you’d say that.”_

_“Of course.” Harry grinned._

_He grabbed her by the arm and made her stand still on the perfect background and Harry smiled at her again._

_”Could you move a bit to your left? I’ll take this one quickly.”_

_She groaned, pushing her hair away from her face as the cold wind blows. “Alright.”_

_It took Harry to take a photo of her in just a quick second. After that, he smiled and then looked at her._

_“Come here, take a look.” He motioned her to come near him. And she did._

_Once she saw the photo itself, she looked at him, completely frowning._

_”Why do you take so much pictures of me? You could have take a picture of yourself.” Her tone innocent, and unaware._

_Harry shakes his head and replies, “I’m afraid to lose you.”_

_Her face fell. “What? What does that even mean?”_

_Harry only gave her a smile and never said a word anymore._

Another tear escaped his eyes, and that’s when he jolted back.

He gripped tightly on the picture and he gathered every picture and stacked them into a neat pile once again. He puts everything back in, and closes the whole box firmly.

Harry wipes his face without any hesitation. He didn’t want to remember it all but he did. And that’s the worst part. He never wanted to remember but his mind is playing mind games with him and it sickens him. He’s tired of it all.

As his eyes stare at the blank ceiling, Harry could feel his heart slowing down.

He breathed so long that it hurt his chest. But once again, he ignores the pain. He looked around him and spotted his camera on the top of his bed. He grabs it and brings it to life.

His camera is one of his prized possession. It was the only thing that his sister gave him that he actually treasures. Gemma gave it to him when spent his last birthday with them. Gemma knows Harry’s undying passion for photography. 

Harry is about to drop his camera when the door swung open, revealing a wide-eyed Louis, holding the doorknob and looking right at Harry with a shocked face.

He sits up properly. “Louis.”

”I’m sorry. I thought I heard someone came in and I checked the flat and saw the living room already cleaned. So I figured it was Zayn but he never cleans so—“

”Louis, calm down. You’re rambling.” Harry tells him.

Louis bit his lower lip. “Sorry. And oh, thank you for cleaning the mess. I was just washing my clothes–“

”Oh. You do, now?” Harry raises his brow, completely surprised.

”Yeah.. I remembered what you told me about the laundry shop blocks away from here so,” 

Harry nods. “That’s even better,”

Silence.

Their eyes locked on each other’s. No one attempts to say a word.

But once again, Louis beat Harry again.

”Is that yours?”

He glances at the camera beside him as he saw Louis pouting his mouth towards it. He nods again, “Yeah. Just got home from class.”

”You study photography?” Louis asked him, with a amused grin on his face.

”Yes,” Harry replies, “I suppose I do.”

”Nice, that’s so cool..” Louis says, his eyes a lingers on the camera on the floor. 

Harry bites his lower lip as he watches Louis. Louis who is now standing meters away from him, at his doorframe, obviously amused. A hollow smile spreads across his face. 

He stares at Louis with his heavy lidded eyes, observing him. 

Harry squeezed his eyes closed, and then opens it, only to find Louis watching him.

”Harry, are you fine?” He asked.

Heat flushes his cheeks. 

And that’s when it hit him. In a vast quick motion. He almost misses it, too unaware of what’s happening to his self.

Why is this always happens to him whenever Louis is around?

He wasn’t quite sure why, but relief washes his system as he looks at Louis.

As their eyes meet amidst of the quiet and dim lit room.

It’s like there’s some thing is flowing in his veins but he can’t put a word on it.

Harry swallows, a bit afraid to speak. 

But he knows if he never do this, he won’t get the chance again.

”Louis, can I take a picture of you?”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sincerity is scary.

 

**VIII**

 

Harry and Louis.

The two of them are both broken human being torn up inside by the hurricanes in their lives. They both grew up believing the same thing. 

_Everything do happens for a reason._

The sun is a about to set down. It is beautiful with its borderless flow of clarity; the vast, seemingly empty sky stretched out with low-level clouds that were spread out to the horizon. The brillian sun rays gleam outlined the cotton-ball clouds in a blazing glow, almost fading, that signifies the end of the day.

“Quite wonderful, isn’t it?” Louis said as they both admired up above with their heads tilting skyward. 

Harry has his eyes back at the sky too, his hands clutching the camera against his chest while the strap of it hangs around his neck. 

Louis was right. The sky was wonderful today. He always noticed that, even when he was sat on Taylor’s car earlier on the way home, but now, it’s even more astonishing with his eyes just looking straight at it without the fear of hurting his eyes.

”So...” Louis trails off, lowering his gaze on Harry. Harry who has his attention perplexed still on the sky above them. Louis could see Harry stretching his neck just to watch how the sun sets down.

Harry licks his lip, swallowing and glances at Louis, whom blue green almost-expressionless eyes stare back at him. 

He could feel the hard rock hit the bottom of his stomach. He squirms. 

Butterflies started to swarm around, leaving endless spaces in it.

He breathed with a long deep sigh.

”Let me take you a picture now, yeah?” He asked, a bit fearful. He did not expect that he would ask Louis if he can take a picture of him, Harry is quite surprised that he even said that. That his mouth, blurted it out of the blue as if he’s been dying to say that.

Most of all, Harry doesn’t know what’s with him these past few days.

He can’t remember when, but he feels the whole prickling on his skin, as it hits him, quite knocking him down, but he manages to steady himself.

It makes his stomach jitter, his palms clammy and a racing heart and he couldn’t be able to focus on anything elsewhere but Louis.

Harry doesn’t even want to take a goddamn picture right after he cried because of a sudden reminiscent of his blurry, disdainful past. 

He didn’t want to remember, but he always does. It doesn’t stop even if he doesn’t want it.

And it as always, leaves him incoherent.

Louis breaks into a grin. He ruffled his hair leaving it more in a messy fringe. 

He actually looks good. Harry’s chest rapidly rose as he watched Louis.

”Well, we don’t want to bloody spend the whole day outside, eh?” Louis chirps, his eyes directly on Harry.

Harry nods, breaking the gaze.

”Yeah, ‘course.” Harry said, totally distracted.

Louis grins. He frowns, “How do I do this?” He stifled a laugh. “Should I pose naturally or..?”

Harry glances at the sky before looking again at Louis. This time, a wide smile spread across his face.

”I prefer it if you’d act natural. It makes the picture more raw, and seek out emotion.” He tells him.

Louis quirks his brow, amused. “Is that so? Well then, I wanna look bloody happy in that picture.”

Harry grinned at him.

”Let’s do this,”

And it all happened too fast, just like how that strange rush that Harry felt earlier before he asked Louis if he could take a picture of him.

That, racing of his heart jitters in his stomach. What the hell is happening to Harry? Why is he feeling like this? 

He doesn’t know. He doesn’t have a clue at all.

All he knows is that Louis is standing a few inches away from him, their eyes locked at each other’s face, and he could hear as his breathing increases.

Louis clapped his hands. “Shall you count?”

”I will,” Harry holds his camera. “You better do your pose freely. Don’t tense up,”

”Yes, sir. Will do.” He replies, saluting his two fingers at Harry.

Harry pursed his lips, stopping himself from smiling.

Harry placed his camera right in front of his eye, the other eye squinting hardly on Louis’ image, trying to adjust the lens to capture the perfect angle.

Once he’s set, Harry shouts, “1, 2, 3, snap!”

Louis hovered at him, grabbing his camera away from him.

”Shit. This is sick, Harry! I look happy here!” Louis can’t help but squeal. He’s been feeling amazed by Harry’s picture of him.

Harry freezes on his place as his eyes not peeling away from Louis’ face on the picture.

Shoulders shaking, Louis bursts out in laughter, clapping his hands together in a joyful manner and his head throws back with as his hair falls spurting laugh from his mouth like a little kid.

_Louis looked so happy._

_It was almost took Harry’s breath away._

“Is it okay?” Louis looks at a empty faced, eyes blazed Harry.

Harry couldn’t express his words. As he looked down on Louis’ face in the picture, it almost hurts to look at. The Louis in that picture is different from the Louis standing an inch away from him now.

Harry nods, smile ghostly. “You looked so happy here. It’s amazing.”

”At least, I could be happy like that. Even if it’s just in a picture.” Louis shrugged.

Harry shoots him a worried look. Suddenly snapping back into the reality that the Louis he knows is still suffering from amnesia and doesn’t remember a thing and easily gets upset.

Harry stirs.

”Don’t be too hard on yourself, Louis.”

Louis laughs. “‘Course, Harry. Hey, do you wanna grab coffee or what? I remembered Zayn texted me earlier to meet me there.”

Harry shifted his foot on the ground, shrugging. “I suppose I could.”

”You can’t decline anyways. I wouldn’t let you.” Louis winks, before turning away.

Harry’s jaw left hanging open, his eyes peering at Louis’ retreating figure.

He blinks and sighs.

”What are you doing to me?” 

***

Harry and Louis walked to the cafe without talking to each other.

He didn’t know how to talk to Louis. It baffles him how much Louis affects him. And he cannot explain it.

Harry studied a hushed Louis beside him. He’s only subtly throwing him side glances.

But never talking. Almost afraid.

”Harry.” Louis calls his attention.

Harry gazed at him, hands in his pockets.  “Oh yeah?”

Louis pursed his lips. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Harry chokes. His heart stopping a beat, his eyes unreadable.

Louis noticed the glint of hurt.

But Harry blinks, “No. No–“

”Or a boyfriend, perhaps?”

Harry chuckled. “I don’t have any. And I don’t intend to have one either,”

”But why?” Louis shot him a puzzled look.

Harry stopped walking. Louis did too. He’s standing beside Louis, obviously tongue tied.

Harry knows the answer to this. But can’t put his words on it. Because he doesn’t want to and it clearly doesn’t matter.

Louis looks at him intently.

“So what? So we can get ice cream together, and listen to music, and travel across the world, only to have it end in slammed doors, heartbreak and loneliness? Sure, where do I sign up?”

That left Louis’ mouth wide open. He did not expect Harry to give him an answer like that at all. Harry is almost never serious, but this time, it sounded like Harry is onto something more.

But Louis didn’t want to pry.

So instead, he grinned. “Right. I agree.”

Harry made a face, scruching his nose. “Says you who definitely has a girlfriend.”

Louis’ smile falters. And now, he did not totally expect that.

”Is she? Still your girlfriend?” Harry attempts to ask again.

Louis breathed. “I suppose she still is. She’s nice-“

”Does Zayn knows that? That you’re still with her?”

Harry knows that Zayn doesn’t like Louis’ girlfriend. Louis told him Zayn was angry at her for being toxic but Harry is definitely aware that there’s more reasin behind it. And he better ask Zayn. 

“No,” Louis shakes his head. “Definitely not yet. I’ll tell him—“

”No pressure, Louis. You should always take your time.”

Louis nods, his eyes skeptical on Harry’s.

Before the cross the street, Louis throws Harry a side glance.

”Are you always like that?”

”What?”

”Honest. Straightforward. Sincere.”

Harry can’t help but frown. “How did you know I was?”

”I can just feel it.” Louis replies.

”Sincerity is scary, Louis.”

Louis’ eyes are now on him, confused.

”It could hurt someone you don’t want to even hurt.”

Louis pursed his lips, opting not to reply anymore. Because Harry is standing iches away from him but his mind seems in place that he couldn’t see.

That shut him up.

***

The tiny café huddled despondent among the huge city buildings. Washed out under the overcast sky, hundreds of people rushed by it, outside on the crowded street. The half of the dozen customers glanced up as they both walked in, heralded by blast of cold wind. 

This is the same café Harry usually goes into. He could isolate himself here and sit for hours and just sip through his coffee and observe the people around him. 

In the gloom of the café, there is Zayn, sitting across a narrow round table by the farthest corner.

Harry smiles.

Louis just looked at him.

”Hey, lads.” Zayn greets them with a smile on his face. He’s wearing baseball cap over his head. 

Louis sits on the chair in front him. “Hey. Have you ordered yet?”

”No, I was waiting for the two of you.”

Harry glances at the counter. “I’ll go.”

”Great,” Louis grinned. “Yorkshire tea with half milk and no sugar please.”

”You know mine, Haz.”

Harry nods, his neck stiff. He isn’t in the mood anyway. Louis asking him about his lovelife definitely put him on a disorienting trance. He was taken aback.

He made his way to the counter, ordering what they told him.

Meanwhile, back on the table, Louis has his eyes on Zayn while Zayn is checking is phone.

”Liam’s in a foul mood, he didn’t get much sleep last night.” Zayn mutters, his eyes reading his phone.

Louis chuckles. “Liam and I are the same.”

That caused Zayn to look up at him, his forehead knitted together. 

“You don’t get much sleep?”

Louis taps his fingers on the table. “What do you expect? I stay up all night trying to remember shit.”

”Oh, Lou. You don’t have to pressure yourself.” Zayn’s voice is sympathetic and low.

”Maybe I shouldn’t, but I really want to. It sucks waking up feeling empty.”

Zayn clicks his tongue, eyes wide.

”You said the same thing before.”

”What?”

”Back when you told me you wanted to leave Bradford. You said that you knew you wanted to leave when you start waking up on your bed, feeling empty. You said that to me.” Zayn told him.

Louis blinks. “Care to tell me what happened that day?”

And so Zayn did.

He retold the story of Louis’ departure from their hometown, three years ago. 

Zayn carefully told him in detailed story how Louis knocked on his door one night, waking up Zayn from a slumber sleep. Zayn looked at Louis with irritation because he just can’t believe that Louis awakened him after a long tiring day. Louis was rambling that night. He keeps on telling Zayn that he wants to leave and do it immediately. Zayn was definitely confused and scared. He didn’t know what occured to Louis. But Louis was determined to leave. And nothing could Zayn can say that would ever stop him. Until now, Zayn didn’t know the exact reason why Louis wanted to leave badly.

So he concludes. “Maybe it was the way your mother never looked back to visit you in that house of yours. Maybe it took a toll on you how your mother and siblings are totally in a different world far away from you. I saw sadness in your eyes that night, Lou. But you were packed, and ready to leave without looking back. I got scared. Because that was the first time I saw you that you really looked like you have finally decided. Finally.” 

Harry is buzzing with information when he’s sitting across Louis and Zayn, silently listening to what Zayn has been telling them, not even touching the mug of coffee in front of him.

Louis sighs. “How did I said goodbye to you?”

Zayn bites his lip, looking hesitant.

”Come on, Zayn. Don’t hide shit from me now.” Louis presses.

Harry is just glancing them back and forth. Shoulders tensed.

”You.. you cried.” Zayn utters slowly. Louis looked like he has seen a ghost. “You cried and hugged me. You told me that your mother called you and didn’t even care at all that you’ve finished college with honors. You told me how she never said anything about it. She just.. said too much that your ears couldn’t bear it anymore. Because you can’t understand a thing. You wouldn’t understand because she’s gushing about she’s about to have a new child. And that leaves you nowhere again. Alone. That’s what you told me, Lou.”

”S-She did that?” Louis choked back on his tears. Harry worriedly glanced at him. Zayn’s frowning but face hardened.

”She did,” Zayn nods. “You said she was sincerely happy. But she can’t tell how lonely you are.” 

“Fucking hell,” Louis shakes his head.

”You had a terrible past with them, Lou. Do you remember any of it?” 

Louis’ stomach flips, causing him to flinch. “No. I don’t,”

Without another word, Louis briefly looked at Harry. He lets out a dry laugh, his throat aching.

”Harry’s right.” Louis says.

Zayn and Harry both exchanged confused glances. 

“What??” 

“Sincerity is really scary.” Louis speaks, his eyes stinging with tears.

Harry looked at him, appalled.


	9. Chapter 9

**IX**

 

The café lies ahead, its royal blue paint glistening in the first golden rays of the day. Harry can see the the rain drops that cling, jewel-like to the name, “Clover’s.” Outside the sidewalk that will bustle in a few short hours is quiet, busy commuters in and out of the door, Monet paintings framed on the walls, light jazz music swarmed the whole room. Cream cheese smoked salmon bagels, coronation chicken baguettes, fancy coffee, latte and a hot chocolate sitting right on their table. Harry has this plastered frown on his face, as he listens to Zayn and Louis talk.

What Zayn told Louis, shocked them both. Of course, Louis doesn’t remember an inch from his past. And Harry, he’s totally gobsmacked on how Louis’ mother abanonded him. He feels sorry for him. But for the short time he knew Louis, it’s obvious that Louis is that kind of person who didn’t want people to pity him. He didn’t need the sympathy either. And so Harry just sat there, across Zayn and Louis and earnestly listening to them as they talk to each other.

”Did I told you everything, Zayn?” Louis asked, his voice little bit cracking. Harry notices it but he just pursed his lips.

He couldn’t say something because he doesn’t even know who Louis was before all of these.

Zayn sighs. “Not all the time, Lou. Like I told you, we were not in talking terms for three years. We were so busy that we didn’t contact each other.”

”Three years, fuck.” Louis gapes. “I was that busy to not even call you?”

Zayn falls silent. He actually doesn’t know what to respond with that. For him, he knew that somehow deep down that something definitely changed between him and Louis. Right after Louis left their hometown.

”I was so fucking stupid, then.” Louis gritted his teeth.

Harry bites his lip. “Don’t say that, Louis.”

Louis harshly looked at him. “Didn’t you just heard him? I wasn’t communicating with him for three fucking years. That was too long. What the hell did I do?”

Zayn puts on a worried face. “You don’t have to blame yourself. We were busy and—“

”I’m sorry, Zayn.” Louis softly lingers his gaze at him. “I’m sorry if I ever neglected you. I swear, I—“

”Louis,” Zayn placed his hand on Louis’. “Don’t do that to yourself. Let’s just focus on you getting better, okay?”

Louis nodded, still mortified.

Harry silently sat on his chair, sipping right with his latte. He didn’t really want to intrude.

“Anyway.” Zayn licks his lips. “Ask me about you and I’ll answer it based on my knowledge about you.”

A smile flashed across Louis’ face. “That’s cool. We should do it,”

”It’ll definitely help you at least to know yourself.” Harry agrees. Louis just smiled at him.

And so they played the game.

But more like, Zayn and Louis played it and Harry was just the audience. He laughs and listens intently on each answer of Zayn to Louis’ questions.

”Okay.. so,” Louis breathed. “What do I do as a hobbies?”

Zayn’s mouth curls up. “This one is easy. You play football or listen to your vinyls. Therr are no in betweens.” 

Harry gapes at Louis, his eyes sparkled. “You’re really into classic musics,”

It wasn’t a question. It was rather a statement. When Louis meets his gaze and nods, Harry could feel something in his stomach kicking in. It’s like butterflies but more harsh.

Zayn peers at the both of them, watching their faces. He coughed, causing Harry and Louis breaks the gaze between them.

”Okay so, back in Bradford, we usually just play football around or waste the time away in your house playing video games. But when we like it, we eat ice cream in that certain creamery near my house,” Zayn tells him.

”What flavor did I liked?” Louis asked.

Harry pipes in, “Vanilla?”

Zayn was surprised. Louis raises his brow at Zayn.

Zayn chuckled. “Harry’s got it right.”

”Wow.” Louis couldn’t help but smile. It feels like Harry knows him. But they really do not know each other. 

Harry breaks into a wide grin, not wanting to wipe it off his face. His eyes flutters open at Louis, making Louis bite his cheek and return his gaze back at Zayn.

Zayn shakes his head as he watched their movements. But he continues.

”December 24 is my birthday right?” 

Zayn frowned at him. “I already told you that, Lou. Have you forgotten?”

Louis stuffs his mouth with a bagel. “Nope. Just really checking if that was true. Kinda hoping it wasn’t,”

Zayn looks at him, puzzled. And so does Harry.

”Why don’t you like your birthday? It’s the Christmas the next day.” Harry informs him, as if Louis hadn’t known that all.

Louis shakes his head, laughing almost hysterically. “That is the point, Styles.”

Harry squirmed in his seat as he heard his surname. Something in his mind flashed again but he quickly wiped it off away. He didn’t need the negativity right now. He’s actually amused. 

Harry just gave him a strained smile. But Louis didn’t notice that.

”You totally hate it. You rant about it every year that you’ve got the worst birthday ever.” Zayn laughs, his hands caressing his own chin flawlessly.

Louis rolls his eyes. “Obviously.”

Harry keeps his eyes on him.

”I mean- instead of receiving two presents I only get one?” Louis looks at Harry and Zayn, his voice irritated.

Zayn shrugs. “But you love New Year’s more.”

A massive smile appears on his face. “Who doesn’t, right?”

Harry agrees. “Right. New Year is the best.”

Zayn whistles. “Remember last year’s New Year’s, Haz? We got so drunk. We could barely leave the Club.”

Louis turns his face at Harry.

Harry rubs his back. “Yeah. Those were definitely the days.”

”Why, you don’t drink anymore?” Louis asked him, eyes curious and wide.

Harry swallows. He doesn’t know what to say, he didn’t want to—

Zayn’s voice cut off the tension. “Harry is trying to keep up with a new healthy lifestyle.” 

Harry couldn’t be more thankful for Zayb’s fast thinking and reflex. He awkwardly laughs.

”Yeah. Guess I should be fit.”

Louis quirks his brow. “But you are already fit,”

Harry’s jaw fell on the floor.

His eyes unbelievably gaping at Louis. “Did you just compliment me—“

Louis interrupts him, pouting while shaking his head. “Nope. Never came up. Never did that.”

Harry rolled his eyes playfully. “Oh, Louis. You don’t have to be shy.”

Louis’ cheeks flushed, wincing away from Harry. He then turned to Zayn, who already has a faint smile on his face.

”I’m sleepy. Can we go?”

Harry snorts. “Rude, Tomlinson.”

Louis glared at him. “Shut up there, Harold.”

Harry stiffened.

”Right.” Harry dryly laughed. His pulse races. He took a quick sip of his latte. 

Zayn fiddles his keys with his fingers. “Come on?”

Louis hesitantly glances at Harry who is now smiling fake as ever. Louis shifted in his seat.

”Sorry. I just heard—“

Harry stops him, smiling. It looked so fake that it creeps Louis. “It’s fine. Niall used to call me that. Guess I thought I’ve outgrown it.”

Zayn stands up. “You’ll never.”

”Harold is nice.” Louis even says so.

Harry just laughed. He could feel his stomach dropping several times. So he did his best to flash a more genuine cheeky grin. “But Harry is more cooler,”

Louis didn’t react. He just watched Harry from his own observing eyes, without Harry noticing it all.

They went outside the café, all silent and striding towards Zayn’s car, totally wordless.

No one was speaking. Harry swallows in his throat. He swear every time someone calls him by his first name, or even his surname itself, it sends electricity right in his veins, shocking him and causing his pulse quickens.

During his teenage years, Liam and his family and the other people from his neighbourhood used to call him Harold. He really liked it then. It seemed so vintage and sounds great. He remembered when Zayn and Harry first met in Harry’s hometown; Chapel Holmes. Harry used to work in a Bakery. And since Zayn had to spend his entire summer in his aunt’s house just a few streets away from Harry’s he decided to apply for a part time job. They were both working there. And when they were introduced to each other, Zayn keeps on calling him Harry. Zayn told him it rather suits his cheeky personality. Since then, he convinced the people around him to call him that instead of Harold. The time came that Anne (Harry’s mother) and some workmates only referrs him as Harold. Everybody starts to call him Harry. So he kept that nickname until Zayn had to go home in Bradford. And they totally kept in touch.

When Harry decided to move to London to get away from his over-nagging sister and mother, he asks Zayn if he wants to come with him. And that’s when they all knew that they passed and were all luckily given slots in London University. Even Liam, Harry’s childhood friend.

Harry is in the passenger seat, Zayn is driving and Louis is sitting comfortably on the backseat. His arms firmly placed on the backrest of Harry and Zayn’s car seat. 

Harry is gazing outside the window as usual. He always does this. He would just sit and stare. He likes it when he admires the view they’re passing by.

It was a sunset. He watched with an unwavering gaze, as a fiery red orb of light slowly sinks beneath the horizon, thread of lights lingering the sky as it mingles with the rolling of the clouds.

Harry smiles to himself as his eyes witness the slow motion of the sun setting down eagerly.

Harry is in love with everything that has to do with the skies. He loves how it can paint different colours for his own eyes to witness.  _Magical. It really is._

Much to Harry’s surprise, Louis speaks, his voice laced with an amused tone.

”The sky is dyed with orange. And it’s like the clouds are patching up. I love this. So _magical_.”

Harry didn’t need to turn to see Louis. It was enough for his heart to stop for a single second and flutter.

It was how Louis’ voice is softer than ever and almost kind of whispering the words just for Harry to hear. Because Zayn is attentively driving, not even breathing a single damn word.

That’s how Harry couldn’t wipe off the stupid grin on his face as his eyes never leaving the sky.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**X**

 

 

Harry walked into his bedroom with a bizarre whirlwind in his stomach and an irregular heartbeat. The day tired him absolutely. But he cannot erase the uncanny thoughts going inside his head. He couldn’t help but replay what Louis have said earlier in Zayn’s car. It was unforgettable for him. It almost seem like they were thinking the same without even talking.

And that is completely mystifying for him. He couldn’t say that he didn’t like that feeling he felt but it wasn’t a regular thing that he usually feels for a person. Harry may or may not felt that kind of connection with someone.

But like what he said when he was with Louis in the Park previously, sometimes, you can feel that deep seething connection with someone even if you don’t quite know them at all.

It may baffles him, but Harry didn’t try to wash away that feeling. In fact, he kind of  _liked_ it.

He sat on his bed, with his feet dangling on the edge, his eyes completely staring at the bold wall that is darkish red on the bottom half with light sky blue on top. A border with other bold geomatric patterns splits into two colours, with outlines that glow once the room itself darkens at night. The wooden floor is tattered with grey spots on a few places, a carpet worn down carpet that is thin and old. His clothes, bags, books and other unnamed random stuff lays on the floor. 

He doesn’t even like a specific color at all. Much to the contrary that everyone definitely has a favourite colour. But Harry doesn’t have one. 

The sun light from the setting sun is already hitting his window. He squints a bit just by glancing right through it. But there was something really good about the sunset. So he just takes a deep breath.

But his eyes has different other plans. Without him even realizing, he’s already focused on his camera that is placed on the top of his desk. The desk itself is sitting right on the corner and worn out too, covered in papers, books and clothes as well as an iPod dock and some other knick knacks on the edge. He peers at his camera wistfully.

And then something shifts in him.

It was this again, bizarre whirlwind. He shakes his head slowly as his curls slightly falls off his face, he quickly combs his hair with his fingers smoothly. 

So he stands up, his heart racing weirdly, gets ahold of his camera and swipes on it like he was really looking for something.

In fact he is. He is definitely looking for something. Oh, no. _Someone,_ perhaps.

His fingers moved into a speed motion, as if it’s thinking on its own. He stops swiping from his camera when he finally found what he wanted.

_Louis._

Louis in the picture. Harry took this shot (of course he did). The one that he asked for. He wanted to see something.

And there it is. Right on the screen of his camera, Louis has his head thrown back with a muted chortle of laughter escaping his mouth. Louis’ brown fringe hair is not in it’s usual pushed back style but instead it’s all over away his face and the wind is obviously caused it to blow away, his hands clasped against his belly as if he’s holding it from laughter. 

Louis was right. Harry is too.

He wordlessly looked happy here. Even though it was only in the auto-focus, high dynamic range coloured screen of Harry’s camera, he could unquestionably hear the lively laughter of Louis. 

Why can he even hear it? It’s not like he has Louis’ laughter etched into his brain. And it’s not even like Louis laughs every damn time they’re together. It wasn’t anything near that, but Harry can really hear it. It’s like it is there, Louis beside him, laughing endlessly. But no. Louis isn’t there. Harry’s just alone in his room, standing in front of his desk with his camera grasped carefully with his hands, his eyes studying every fiber in Louis’ picture. 

It is so weird.

Really, really wickedly weird.

And Harry starts to think the reason behind it. All of those—

“What the fuck?” It wasn’t him. It came from another human—

Harry almost drops his camera, eye-wide turning around to see Niall standing right behind him, eyes judgingly looking straight at him. 

And his camera.

Oh, damn.

Camera.

Louis.

Louis’ picture.

Harry hisses. “Niall! What are you doing in my room?”

Harry couldn’t believe it. Niall is right in front of him now. Why on earth he didn’t hear his door flew open? Why is he so focused on Louis’ picture that he didn’t heard–

“What are  _you_ doing?” Niall’s mouth is wide hanging open. “Why are you gawking at Louis’ picture?”

Oh, he certainly caught Harry red handed.

Harry feels his cheeks flush. He hides the camera behind him, tightly holding onto it like it’s his life. Which is kind of true. It really is his life.

Niall guffaws. He fucking guffawed.

”Fuck, Harry. You like him don’t you?” 

Harry glares at him. “No! Niall, stop speaking gibberish.”

Niall slaps his forehead. “Oh, mate! You’re whipped. I knew it! This is hilarious—“

”Niall,” Harry firmly says, eyes blazing with embarrassment and guilt. “Don’t you ever—“

”Jeez! I won’t tell a soul!” Niall says defensively.

Harry gritted his teeth.

”I meant, I don’t like him so don’t you dare to breathe a word about this!” 

Niall shook his head. “Don’t bother to deny it, yeah? I saw you. You’re staring—“

”And what the hell are you doing here? Don’t you ever heard of knocking? Niall, we do that here!” Harry diverts the topic. He is caught red-handed and it will cost him so much if Niall says about a word on what’s just happened.

Louis cannot know.

Not that there is something he should know, it’s just Harry doesn’t want Louis to think of him like that. Because he was just looking at it. It is his camera—

“Haz, don’t sweat about it.” Niall sneers. “I won’t tell a soul—“

”Niall! I don’t like him. God. Don’t.. don’t start to think about it—“

Niall guffaws again. Again.

”Then why are so tensed? I just—“

”Niall!”

”Stop interrupting me for fuck’s sake, Harry!” Niall yelled.

Harry breathed. “Not a word on this. Understood?”

Niall squints his eyes on him.

”I will think about—“

But Harry didn’t let him finish. He was already grabbing Niall’s arm and pushed him out of his room, merciless.

Niall shot him a death glare. “You didn’t just!”

”Don’t fucking come in here again!”

And then Harry slammed the door on Niall’s face.

Harry leans back on his door, clutching his chest because his heart is rapidly beating, while his camera is on his other hand. 

He’s out of breath as he throws his head back.

Harry knows Niall won’t dare to say a word to Liam or Zayn or even Louis about this. But it scares him, it scares him because why is he so damn embarrassed and jittery right now?

Oh, right. Harry doesn’t want Louis to take it in the wrong way.

Harry breathed a sigh of nervousness. When did he became so edgy and easily agitated anyway?

Harry hitches a sharp breath. “Fuck, Harry.” 

He opens his heavy lidded eyes, he slowly lifted his camera towards his face again. This time, with a highly strung of anxiety clashing in his body.

He bites his lower lip again, hardly that it almost could bleed.

Louis is laughing on the picture, with the sky clearly blue and clouded with cotton candy liked clouds around. 

Harry shuts his eyes again, with that bizarre whirlwind again creeps into him, only a thought in mind.

He will develop the picture itself.

_And put it in a frame, if possible._

***

After hours of self meditating inside his room, and well of course, trying to avoid Niall’s wrath. Harry isn’t sure if he’s ready to face Niall and let him be teased upon Niall’s own amusement. 

Harry won’t purposely let Niall have the satisfaction of embarrassing him. 

With a shaky breath, after a short peaceful nap, Harry emerges out of his bedroom. Only wearing his pair of boxers and a wrinkled black shirt. 

His eyes carefully roamed around the well lit living room. Not a soul in sight.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

But as he closes his door, he heard a loud clattering coming from the kitchen.

Harry clicked his tongue with annoyance. He isn’t alone, much to his disappointment.

Harry continuously prays silently that it isn’t Niall in the kitchen as he strides his way there. 

So he prays.

When he enters the kitchen, there is Louis’ small frail figure, with an apron wrapped around his torso and a cutting knife in hand, while his eyes fixed on the chunk of meat placed on the cutting board.

Harry smiles to himself.

Louis looked utterly confused, as if he’s watching the chunk of meat and quietly debating with himself if he won’t cut it or he would. Harry finds the scene in front of him adorable.

”Nice, chef Louis for tonight, huh?” Harry utters smugly. He has his body leaning on the doorframe of the kitchen.

Louis suddenly hopped himself away from the counter, obviously alarmed and wasn’t really expecting Harry.

”Harry!” Louis glares at him. He drops the cutting knife on the counter, causing a loud clatter again.

Harry couldn’t help but giggle. “Sorry for intruding.”

”You didn’t intrude, asshole. You frightened me!” 

Harry swipes his tongue across his lips swiftly and glances at Louis, with an amused grin on his face. “You were just too caught up in your.. er, cooking—“

”Fine,” Louis sighs. “Don’t judge me. I don’t know how to cook, okay? I just thought I would try since Niall and the other lads aren’t—“

Harry frowned. “No one’s home?”

”That exactly looks like it.”

”Oh,” Harry said. “Where did the lads go?”

Louis shrugs. “Niall told me he’d go out with his friends. Liam and Zayn texted me that they’ll be dining outside—“

”And the bastards didn’t even text me or even invited me.” Harry grumbled.

Louis laughs. “Niall told me you were napping and snoring inside your room—“

”Am totally not!” Harry shot him a look.

Louis stifled a laugh. “Yes you were—“

”Have you heard it? Nope. No, you haven’t. Case closed.” Harry tells him.

Louis just shakes his head and glances subtly at the counter, his forehead creased.

Then an idea erupts in his mind.

Harry coughed, Louis looked at him.

”You wanna, uh, go to the grocery with me? I’m gonna cook for us.” 

Louis’ furrowed his brows. “You know how to cook?”

Harry nods. “Grew up doing it.”

A glint of surprise flashes in Louis’ eyes. As if he couldn’t believe it.

“Is there, by any chance, Harry Styles couldn’t fucking do?” Louis screeches, his face crumpled with amusement and with a dash of confusion.

Harry shrugs. “Harold Edward Styles, at your service.” He ends up doing a salute gesture to Louis.

Louis smirks. “Well then, impress me.”

Harry stands still, he flashes a bright grin he could ever possess, “You’ll never let me go after this, Tomlinson.”

”Promises, promises.” Louis said. 


	11. Chapter 11

**XI**

 

Harry couldn’t believe that he said that. That he, actually kind of flirted with Louis in an ultra fine and precise way. And Louis, shockingly went on with it. He doesn’t even know what came into him when he told Louis that he will cook for them. Harry knows how to cook. His mother nagged him throughout his existence for that. But he rarely  _volunteers_ to do it anymore because Liam is a complete neat freak and Zayn almost do the cooking, or Harry and the other lads doesn’t have time to gather up for dinner lately because of their separately tight engrossed schedules. So Harry usually opt to eat takeaways. 

But although Harry seemed  _so_ confident about cooking for Louis, inside in him, his stomach is tightly knotted. It clearly puzzles him how he saw a totally and wordless confused Louis earlier engaged him into a decision like this. It’s not like it’s a big deal for Harry to cook, but him cooking for someone is something new to him. He was used to cook only for his family and such people from his past.

Without any hesitation, Louis agreed to the set up. He is clearly in relief knowing that Harry takes over the cooking duty. More like, Louis is feeling tiny excited to have a taste of Harry’s cooking. Because he doesn’t really want to waste those ingredients and end up having a burnt food at all. So he was  _too_ giddy about the whole thing.

It was Louis who decided he wants to go for a walk for them to reach the grocery store. But Harry politely declines the thought. He told Louis how freezing it is outside and he doesn’t want to get a hypothermia. Louis agrees, due to the fact that he remembered how Harry stayed outside all night in the streets just to look for him. So he shut his mouth and let Harry hijack Niall’s firey hot red Honda Jazz. Because according to Harry, Zayn and Liam are out on a date and they both share a rusty titanium Lexus RX. (though, Louis argued that “ _it isn’t bloody rusty, you twat. You’re just jealous of their car.”_ ) And it was utterly true. Harry was just jealous. Because he really didn’t have a car at the moment. And of course, Louis’ car is still in the mechanical shop. Obviously still in the works because of the accident. 

The early evening lull had come to the streets they passed by, that quiet between the frenetic commuters and the vibrant streetlights glowing over them. Harry is in actually a better mood than earlier, but it still hasn’t sunk in him throughly that he really did a flirty remark on Louis. And he’s mulling over about it if Louis is thinking about it too.

In fact, Louis is over that. He is in his best mood since he won’t have to eat some horrible disgusting food that he would actually do if he was the cook. 

So it leaves Harry alone in that situation. For Louis, it’s just some natural platonic banter between  _mates._

But Harry doesn’t know that.

The shadows were now twice as long as themselves, sitting silently almost in a uncomfortable stance, in Niall’s car. The air was damp and cool smelling faintly of a car’s funes, the trees waving at them as the wind blows from the outside. It is a chilly night as Harry thought it would be. And now he’s alone with Louis, sitting on the passenger seat, completely focused on the road as if he was the one driving and not Harry.

When did Harry became so silent and so paranoid with someone? He usually talks a lot and nonsensical stuff comes out of his mouth, and it adds to the pressure in his shoulders and mind that he couldn’t even ooen a freaking topic for Louis and him to talk about.

Harry is tightly gripping on the steering wheel, his mouth shut into a firm thin line as he could hear how slow Louis breathes inches away from him.

He wants to talk to him but quite afraid of what to say. It’s their first time to be alone in a clamped small space.

But  _as usual,_ Louis overthrows Harry again, by breaking the silence.

”Niall’s car a bit, filthy.” Louis utters, casually peering over at Harry. 

Harry clutches on the steering wheel more tighter, wordlessly surprised that Louis beats him again by talking first.

Indeed, Harry is slow.

Harry shifts on his seat, blinking rapidly. “It really is.”

He mentally smacked himself for answering a stupid one.

Louis shakes his head, clueless about what’s going inside Harry’s mind.

”I’m gonna go call him out for him when he gets home. I mean, how could you possibly tolerate  _this_?” Louis whines, disgust lingers in his voice.

Whether he wanted it or not, Harry’s lips instantly curls into a smile. 

“We already told him that.” Harry says.

”And?”

”But he was stubborn. He said it’s his car anyway and he just dismissed us.” Harry replies. He could singularly recall each time that Zayn, Liam and him called out Niall for being totally unhygienic about his car. Liam would try to drag Niall’s ass to clean it up but then Niall would lock his self into his room and would piss off Liam until Liam lets it go. That’s always what happens when they try to call out Niall for it. Eventually, Harry doesn’t really care. But he is kind of irritated about the greasy and mucky seats sometimes. Sometimes.

Louis growled. “I hate his ass.”

”Hate is such a strong word, Louis.” Harry mindlessly replies, not even bothering to throw Louis a single glance.

Louis’ jaw hangs open, his eyebrow raising higher than usual at Harry.

It drives him insane sometimes that Harry could be deep. Louis’ shoulders tense, he sits up straight.

”I don’t mean it like that—“

Harry finally looks at him. Smiling mischievously. “Jeez, calm down. Will you?”

Louis breathes a sigh of relief, but shooting daggers at Harry. “Are you making fun of me, Harold?” 

Harry’s stomach drops.

He almost swerves the car on theother car right in front of them.

”Harry!” Louis screams with such fear.

Louis’ heart increases quickly, almost uncontrollable because of the fact that Harry almost crashes Niall’s car into some vehicle in front of them, and the thought of it, brings back Louis to his accident. Which is car collision, according to the doctors.

”I’m sorry!” Harry stammers. He was too oblivious to the fact that Louis is just as scared as he is.

”What the heck? What happened to you?” Louis frowned at him once they’re on the clear. He could feel his head starts spinning but he ignores it.  _He must wash it away._

Harry grips more pressure on the steering wheel causing his knuckles to turn into the lightest shade of it. Pale, totally pale.

Louis notices the tension surrounding the thin damp air. He carefully observes Harry as he just continues to drive along the road.

Harry shakily breathes. “I’m sorry. I was just—“

”Can we switch places?” Louis suggests.

Harry throws him a darkened face. “What? Are you out of your mind?”

”What?” 

“You just got into an accident, Louis. I’m not letting you drive a car now.” Harry’s voice is stern and completely overthrows Louis.

_Oh. So Harry does remember._

For a moment there, Louis thought that Harry entirely forgot about Louis’ accident. But it turns out, he was wrong.

He weakly breathes, as he subtly clutches his chest with his hand. 

“Well.. you almost did try to kill us.” Louis slowly retorts. He couldn’t speak coherently but he pushed himself to do it. He doesn’t want to guilt trip Harry.

It wasn’t even his fault.

Harry turns silent. His eyes and attention on the road even close this time. 

Harry actually felt guilty. He almost did what Louis has gotten into. Although it wasn’t his intention because Louis caught him off guard when he called him  _Harold._ Harry is definitely sensitive with that.

By the time that they pulled over at the grocery store’s parking lot, Harry has already killed the engine and anxiously shifted on his seat to face Louis.

A slightly shaken Louis but his face shows otherwise. In Harry’s eyes, Louis is just quietly looking outside, but inside Louis’ head, he wanted to go out and vomit the hell out of his stomach.

But he remains a straight face. So Harry won’t suspect anything at all.

Harry sighed. “I’m sorry for that, Louis. I was slightly distracted and I haven—“

Louis cuts him off. “It’s alright, Harry.”

Three words. Three words came out from his mouth.

Harry’s eyes never dared to leave Louis’. He just sat there, guilt eating him away, while Louis is inches away from him.

The air was thick and heavy this time, and as he peers outside, the thick clouds blotted out the stars. 

Harry can’t bring himself to speak more. He actually feels so terrible that he just wants to walk off and never look back.

But Harry made a promise to himself before that whenever things started to turn out the way he doesn’t plan or like, he would take such responsibility and never, ever try to scurry away from it.

So he pushes his luck, Harry bites his lower lip. “I’m sorry again. I’m never gonna be that irresponsible again.”

Louis just stares at him. Not uttering a single word. As the silence envelopes them, and the thick air starts to suffocate Harry’s chest and lungs, that’s when Louis nods.

”It’s not fine but I’m okay.” Louis responds, his voice quiet and low. “Just.. don’t do it again, Styles. Even if you’re alone or not. It could hurt you.” 

Louis isn’t really mad or feeling any indifference at Harry at all. He’s just worried and anxious about the whole thing. He isn’t really comfortable with the fact that he survived a car accident and ended up not remembering anything important at all. He doesn’t want that for anyone. Even for Harry. Mostly for him.

Harry was taken aback, incapable of processing what just Louis said to him. For a moment there, he thought he can sense concern within Louis’ voice and the way he looks at Harry with his eyes. He couldn’t explain how but he was just in actual shock.

Harry tries to say something, when Louis shoots him a bright grin, as if nothing actually terrible happened.

”Come on, Styles. I’m hungry and you really have to show off your cooking skills,” Louis stirs, sounding too eager. Too eager that it almost looked like as if it was just for a show. But Louis doesn’t want the evning to turn out sour, he wants to literally enjoy the rest of the night.

And so that’s what they did.

As they entered the massive crimson red double doors at the entrance, Harry and Louis were immediately greeted by the staffs and the light pop music blaring and engulfing all over the area.

Louis meekly smiles, as he adjusts his cotton laced denim jacket and buried his tiny freezing hands within.

Harry grabbed a pushcart and saunters his way to Louis, his hands clasped on the handle. 

”Wow, looking so domestic aren’t we?” Louis teases. The heavy tension between them is now washed away and long gone. 

Harry squinted his eyes. “I rarely do this. So you’re welcome to feel lucky.”

A shadow of smile spread across Louis’ face. Harry studies him as the fluorescent lights glowing over them and reflecting on Louis’ face. 

“I’m already feeling lucky.” Louis grinned. He kicks the pushcart softly. “Come on, I’m fucking hungry.”

Harry didn’t say a word. Instead, he just smiled to himself and followed Louis as he began to hop as if he was a little kid. Harry couldn’t help but feel his cheeks hurt as he smiled even bigger.

Louis looked so adorable.

When they entered an aisle, Louis turns to glance at him.

”So.. what will you cook for tonight?” 

Harry grinned. “Are you in for some seafood ramen?”

Louis’ face lights up. Harry could see the twinkle in his eyes.

”Oh, no. I do not remember any shit but I know that I love seafood.” 

“Good. Let’s go get the ingredients.”

Harry and Louis strides across the aisle. Louis quietly roaming his eyes around, while Harry is just pushing the cart slowly as he trails behind Louis’ small movements. He doesn’t mind at all. In fact, he enjoys peering over Louis, who looked like he’s really enjoying himself.

When they reached the section where Harry pointed out, Louis halted beside him and smiles.

Harry didn’t seem to notice at first. He was busily scanning the different ingredients in front of him. His brows furrowed as he read every single packet in front of him.

Louis fixates his gaze at Harry. Harry is too occupied and Louis is literally and shameless gawking at him. Louis doesn’t really care if Harry would notice him or not.

But Harry turns his head around, his eyes locking with Louis’.

He almost drops the packet he’s holding and he can feel his heart drumming wildy against his chest. Why is Louis looking at him— no, Louis is  _gaping at him._ With a deep smile formed on his face.

Harry is in confusion.

”Er, is there something wrong on my face?” Harry shyly asked, suddenly gropes his face as if to check if there is.

Louis’ smile deepens. His eyes shines and gazed at Harry’s face, not really ashamed to do it directly at Harry. 

“Did you ever try to let your hair grow more longer than that?” Louis asked innocently. 

Harry’s jaw fell on the floor, confused and surprised.

”W-What?”

Louis bites his lower lip, shifting his feet as he fearlessly and oh, so gently thread his fingers between the edges of Harry’s loose hair messily falling out from his beanie. 

Harry flinches, as soon as Louis’ fingers are tangling into his hair.

And that’s when realization slapped him. Louis is standing way too close and he can feel the slow and calm breathing of Louis as it gently blows on his face along with his fingers curled with his hair. 

Harry couldn’t breathe properly.

Why is Louis’ face is innocent and clearly amused, when Harry is inches away from his face, heart drumming abnormally.

And to top it all, why Harry is nervous while Louis is not even bothered at all.

“Harry?” Louis calls his name, but not looking at him.

Harry gulps nervously. “Y-Yeah?”

Louis finally loosens his fingers away from Harry’s hair and he gazed at him, eyes gleaming under the fluorescent light. “I asked you a question.”

A heavy rock hit the pit of his stomach.

He blinks. “Oh. I.. I haven’t done it before—“

Louis pulls himself away from the too close space between him and Harry as he remained a straight face.

Harry  _wants_ to breathe a sigh of relief wit Louis backing away from him, but he isn’t entirely sure if he really wants that.

”You should,” Louis tilts his head. “You certainly should grow your hair longer. I could picture it. It would look so good on you,” 

Harry is delighted to hear the creeping amusment in Louis’ voice even if he’s staring at Harry with a well kept straight face. Harry couldn’t help but smile again.

”Sure. I would be up for it.” Harry tells him.

Louis shrugs. “You’d really want that. You’ll look more dashing—“

Harry’s eyes sparkled. “You find me dashing?”

Louis’ cheeks turn into beet red and he looked away.

Harry grinned.

”Don’t put words into my mouth, Styles.” Louis scowls.

Harry shakes his head, “Whatever you say, Tomlinson.”

”You know what?” Louis glances at him again. “Maybe you could start to pick out what you need so we can go home and eat—“

”Yes, jeez. Don’t nag on me.” 

Louis frowns and he steps forward and smacked Harry’s arm.

”Ouch! Louis!” Harry complains, rubbing his hand on his arm.

Louis scoffs, “Stop annoying me, Styles.”

”Stop nagging me, Tomlinson.” Harry shot back, eyes glinting with smug.

That all it took Louis to step even more closer to Harry, and ready to attack him with his hands.

”You little piece of—“

”Harry? Harry, mate!” A voice animatedly shouts.

Harry and Louis freezes, as their head both turn to look at the middle of the aisle from where they’re standing, their eyes shockingly glancing at a ginger haired lad waving not too far away from them.

Louis is puzzled. Harry is tensed.

”E-Ed..” Harry blurted out.

Louis takes his eyes back at Harry, still clueless.

”You know him?”

”Hey, Harry! I knew it was you!” Ed started to walk towards them.

Louis sharply breathes. Harry just weakly nodded.

”Hey, you okay mate?” Ed worriedly asked Harry.

”Yeah, yeah ‘course.” Harry stutters. 

He’s obviously out of words to say.

Couple of steps from him, Ed, Ed Sheeran, his classmate from Uni, excitedly grins at him.

Ed is still grinning, then he briefly throws a side glance at Louis, he looks at Harry. “You sneaky ass, you haven’t mentioned to us that you’re already with someone new.”

Harry choked. 

He cannot believe Ed said that right in front of Louis.

His cheeks flushed, embarrassment kicking in. He glides his tongue across his lips. “Uh,” He glances at Louis, who is standing wide-eyed beside him. “No, Ed—“

But Ed is already reaching out his hand to Louis. “Hi, I’m Ed Sheeran. Harry’s friend from class. Nice meeting you! You’re name is?”

Louis gapes at him, bewildered. “I-I’m Louis. Louis Tomlinson.”

Ed starts to chuckle. He pushes Harry’s chest lightly. “You dickhead, you haven’t been talking about Louis.” Then he grinned at Louis. “You look, absolutely stunning. Harry is lucky—“

Harry is already dying and wishing silently if the floor could swallow him whole, then he interrupted Ed. 

“Uh, Ed, we’re not together.” Harry interjects, causing Ed and Louis to gawk at him.

His heart beating slowly then rapidly.

”What? Are you fucking with me, Harry? Come on—“

Harry sighed with a loud exasperation. “No. You got it wrong. He’s _just_  my flatmate. We’re not together and he has a girlfriend.”

Ed’s face turned pale. Louis is heavily silent.

Harry can feel his chest stretching so hard that it could actually rip off.

The heavy thick air started to surround them. Harry can feel this, sickening bile in his throat, causing him to struggle for words.

“Is this legit?” Ed maked a face. “You two actually look good—“

”No, Ed. I’m sorry, but Harry’s _right._ I _do_ have a girlfriend.” Louis apologetically smiles at him.

Harry is already gazing at him but he couldn’t read Louis’ expression. It’s like it shifts into a blank nothing. His jaw drops as Louis began to steer away from them.

 

**Author's Note:**

> all mistakes are mine. i’ll continue to edit each chapter. thanks! p.s please leave comments about your thoughts each chapter? it’ll help me to improve. x


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